From the New York Times' Goal blog, on some pre-season tournament thingy involving several big European clubs in the States this summer:
“It gives us the opportunity to really capitalize on the growing support of the game,” said Peter Kenyon, the chief executive of Chelsea. “It’s utilizing the team — on the back of broadcast — to go and support football development, soccer development, and also allow our fans, who are an ever-growing number, to come and touch the holy grail if you like.”
"Touch the holy grail"! He actually said "touch the holy grail"!
Maybe the Vatican have missed a trick. Instead of lugging Padre Pio's[*] relics around the place, perhaps they should stage games in which, say, Liverpool and Chivas de Guadalajara dutifully go about the motions, playing out time until their flight home is due.
Now, some may see this threat as a bad thing. They may point out that clamping down on an operation which is essentially giving them free publicity is more than a tad heavy-handed and risks alienating the very fans on whose custom the league depends. Others would argue that an organisation that charges for the reproduction of their fixture list has things a bit out of perspective.
But, in fairness, perhaps the league has a point. It's time they were given the right to reply. And seen as they are far too honourable to engage in mature, reasoned discussion, I have taken the liberty of presenting their case. As I'm already on a rebranding kick, I have created some new crests which present compelling arguments for why you should Do As You're Told™.
So, bearing in mind that--
* I used the exceedingly crude Microsoft Paint;
* I have the artistic flair of a raw ham;
* I didn't do crests for all Premier League clubs (I'm a genius, not a machine);
* When it came to Manchester United, I couldn't compete with this:
* Yes, smartarse long-time reader: I know that the Chelsea crest is based on an idea previously expressed on these pages (fear not: I have instigated legal proceedings against myself);
* The Blackburn and West Ham badges are pretty much gratuitous Neill- and Big-Sam-bashing, but think of it like this -- you're paying their wages;
--enjoy. Tell my family I love them.
UPDATE: Man City crest amended: key underlining added as aid to proper emphasis.
UPDATE THE SECOND: I forgot to mention that the inspiration for this post was a comment by Run of Play reader cjp, so a big and belated thank you is due.
I meant to post this before, but Will Ferrell appeared on The Daily Show on Tuesday in a Chelsea jersey. On UK station More 4's transmission, they elected to blur the Fly Emirates logo, but declined to do so for either the Chelsea crest or Ferrell's face. Strange.
You're sure you told him? He's definitely coming, right?...
...yeah, I know, I know, 'fashionably late' and all that. I'm just a bit antsy, that's all. I want everything to go well tonight. It's taken a hell of a lot of organising, getting everyone together like this. I hope it was worth it.
Wait - there's another car outside...there's someone getting out...is it...yes! It's him! He's at the front door of the building. Okay, everyone, remember, just act normally, like there's nothing strange going on. (Knock on door) And for God's sake, don't all gawk at him when he comes in, okay? Are we ready?...
...Hey! Ronnie! Come in! Great to see you, bud...Hey, everyone, it's Ronaldinho! Glad you could make it, Ron. We were getting worried for a while there. A party's not a party without you, am I wrong? Am I wrong, eh?! Here, come into the kitchen and let me fix you a drink and you can...
...NOW! BOLT THE DOOR! QUICK!
...Now I know this is confusing, Ronnie, but hear me out. What I'm about to say, you're not gonna like. Not one bit. The thing is, I...all of us have seen what's become of you these last few years, and we're all just so worried about you. And we can see you're not helping yourself. You may not know it, you may not want to know it, but you need help. That's why we're all here tonight. We...we're intervening, Ron.
...That's right: an intervention...
...calm...calm down, Ron. Yeah, you could hit me, but what good's that gonna do? Well? You'd still have the same problems as you did before.
...Yes you do. You've been denying it for too long. Everyone in this room can see it, it seems, other than you. Are you trying to say we're all stupid? You trying to say we're the blind ones? Gimme a break, Ronnie! We've seen the signs: the rows with your team-mates; your sudden weight gain; your sad, lost appearance on the field. You've been sliding down a slppery slope for too long, mate .
Listen, we were all delighted when you got the chance to move. It's just what you need - a change of scenery, to get away from your demons; a way to start anew, get back to being the old Ronaldinho. But then we heard about this and our hearts just sank.
...Don't try to deny it. It's also here, here and here. See, even in New bloody Zealand they know!
Come on, Ronnie - face it! You're lost. The devil has you by the solid-gold ear-ring and is leading you far, far astray. Remember this? Or this? And especially this?! Are you telling me you're gonna throw it all away for them?
You may not want to hear all this but you have to trust us. We love you, Ron. It's killing us to see you like this. It's not too late! You can turn back. We'll be here to help you. We're begging you!...
...Well, we thought this might be difficult, so we have a backup plan. Lise, get the headphones please, love...okay, Ron, you're going to listen to this on repeat until the message sinks in:
and we're all staying here until it does. However long it takes...oh, don't worry, we're well stocked; we have supplies to last us all a very long time...hunger strike? What difference would that make? It's not like you've shown any hunger for the last two years anyway...
