See Your Future With The FIFA-Registered Fortune Teller

Come in, my son. Please sit down. First you must cross my palm with silver...How much? About 15% of what you have should do the trick.

Thank you. I shall now gaze into the crystal ball - let us see what lies ahead for you, young man...Oooh, I see a man...a man of Latin appearance. He's beckoning to you...yes, he wants you to follow him. I see you on a plane, very plush - must be first class! You are heading south for a life in the sun. And what's this...I see money - riches beyond your wildest dreams! You're waving it the face of your former friends as if to remind them what fools they have been to have trusted you. You don't need them - you'll have many new and more exciting friends where you're going.

Yes, I see them now. There's a big welcoming party for you, full of television cameras and press photographers. You're going to be famous, revered around the world for your fabulousness. It's the life you always dreamed of.

Ah...the crystal ball is showing me what's happening a little further forward in time now. Yes, it's next spring...oh...oh dear. It's not looking so good, I'm afraid. You have scored but three goals, two of them in a cup rout of a hapless lower-league team. Oh no - your friends are saying horrible things about you behind your back. Strangers are giving you dirty looks in the street. And the graffiti...I just hope you don't learn the vernacular. You are miserable, rattling around your new eight-bedroom villa, all alone except for your posse, your domestic staff and your huge piles of money. No, this is not good...

We're going forward a little further again...You have moved on, onto a new city in a new country and...wait, you're moving on again and...hold on, you keep hopping from city to city, country to country, job to job. You stay in one place for a year, maybe a year and a half at most. You are ill at ease, young man. You are troubled, yet you maintain a defiant face throughout, for you are still talented and very, very rich. You do not care for the feelings of others.

Aha! I'm seeing a very clear vision now! It is the final of a major international club competition. It is goalless, deep into extra-time. There are many tense and worried people in the stadium. Wait, there you are! It's the 119th minute and you are standing on the touchline waiting to come on...now I see a penalty shoot-out...it's 3-2 to the opposition, it's your team's last kick and...yes! You're stepping up to take it! You place the ball on the spot and take several steps back. You're running up to the ball and...

Oh dear. The crystal ball is fogging up. Oh well, some secrets the cosmos must keep to itself. Of course, you could always pay for another go...no no, I definitely said 17.5%...

Photo by misplaced in the city

Read more...

People Working In An Office Is A TV Show

This has nothing to do with sport, but I'm alone in the house and I have to share this with someone.

There's this TV station called Bedroom TV. Their normal programming consists of videos that members of the public have sent in, of them miming along to a song. That's pretty much it. Flicking through the music stations recently, I caught a glimpse of BTV's latest show. Here's the premise: live footage of the BTV office. It's that simple. It's a bunch of people sitting at their computers, not talking to each other. A woman idly browses the web. The man opposite to her is moving some papers from one side of his desk to another. Oh, look! That man is getting up and going for his lunch!

On the screen is a caption urging us to send in our videos, but only if they contain non-copyrighted music, which may be a clue as to why they're having to resort to putting a camera in their office.

Right now, I'm watching another channel, Ape TV. Currently showing is Live Ape Office. The programme description reads "The team that bring you Ape TV, live from their own offices". There a desk with a man at one end and a woman at the other; both are working at their computers.

And I'm hooked. I can't drag myself away. It's incredibly tedious, but because it's on TV, it's tedium you want to watch. You can project whatever thrilling storyline you want onto it: will the sexual tension spill over (oh, it's definitely there) as Ape TV's finest do it, right there on the desk?

Do they actually know about the camera that's beaming their every move live to several people on channel 196? Will one of them discover it on their way to the shredder, leading to an office mutiny, accompanied by much wanton destruction of office equipment? Or will they retaliate, planting their own camera in the boss' office and showing it on channel 197?

Will there be a paper jam in the printer?

And there are fully three hours of this stuff! That's twice as long as a football match! Who needs sport? If the rest of Euro 2008 can provide as memorable a moment as when the man left his seat to go somewhere else in the office, only he had to stop halfway, go back to his back and get something he'd forgotten, I'll be very surprised.

EDIT: I've changed the name of this post because the original made no sense. Hey, it was 4 in the afternoon, it was early...

Read more...

There's a taxi pulling up outside - is that him?

...no, no, false alarm.

You're sure you told him? He's definitely coming, right?...

...yeah, I know, I know, 'fashionably late' and all that. I'm just a bit antsy, that's all. I want everything to go well tonight. It's taken a hell of a lot of organising, getting everyone together like this. I hope it was worth it.

Wait - there's another car outside...there's someone getting out...is it...yes! It's him! He's at the front door of the building. Okay, everyone, remember, just act normally, like there's nothing strange going on. (Knock on door) And for God's sake, don't all gawk at him when he comes in, okay? Are we ready?...

...Hey! Ronnie! Come in! Great to see you, bud...Hey, everyone, it's Ronaldinho! Glad you could make it, Ron. We were getting worried for a while there. A party's not a party without you, am I wrong? Am I wrong, eh?! Here, come into the kitchen and let me fix you a drink and you can...

...NOW! BOLT THE DOOR! QUICK!

...Now I know this is confusing, Ronnie, but hear me out. What I'm about to say, you're not gonna like. Not one bit. The thing is, I...all of us have seen what's become of you these last few years, and we're all just so worried about you. And we can see you're not helping yourself. You may not know it, you may not want to know it, but you need help. That's why we're all here tonight. We...we're intervening, Ron.

...That's right: an intervention...

...calm...calm down, Ron. Yeah, you could hit me, but what good's that gonna do? Well? You'd still have the same problems as you did before.

...Yes you do. You've been denying it for too long. Everyone in this room can see it, it seems, other than you. Are you trying to say we're all stupid? You trying to say we're the blind ones? Gimme a break, Ronnie! We've seen the signs: the rows with your team-mates; your sudden weight gain; your sad, lost appearance on the field. You've been sliding down a slppery slope for too long, mate .

Listen, we were all delighted when you got the chance to move. It's just what you need - a change of scenery, to get away from your demons; a way to start anew, get back to being the old Ronaldinho. But then we heard about this and our hearts just sank.

...Don't try to deny it. It's also here, here and here. See, even in New bloody Zealand they know!

Come on, Ronnie - face it! You're lost. The devil has you by the solid-gold ear-ring and is leading you far, far astray. Remember this? Or this? And especially this?! Are you telling me you're gonna throw it all away for them?

You may not want to hear all this but you have to trust us. We love you, Ron. It's killing us to see you like this. It's not too late! You can turn back. We'll be here to help you. We're begging you!...

...Well, we thought this might be difficult, so we have a backup plan. Lise, get the headphones please, love...okay, Ron, you're going to listen to this on repeat until the message sinks in:



and we're all staying here until it does. However long it takes...oh, don't worry, we're well stocked; we have supplies to last us all a very long time...hunger strike? What difference would that make? It's not like you've shown any hunger for the last two years anyway...

Read more...

Starchy goodness fresh from the rumour mill

Cristiano Ronaldo says he will be a Real Madrid player next season (Marca)

Cristiano Ronaldo says he will be a Manchester United player next season (The Sun)

Real Madrid president Ramón Calderón opens a press conference by saying he will definitely sign Cristiano Ronaldo, immediately contradicts himself, then spend the next hour and fifteen minutes alternating between the two positions (various)

Aleksandr Hleb will join Barcelona next week, says his agent (Daily Mirror)

Roberto Donadoni is the latest name linked with the Chelsea hotseat, despite his extending his contract with Italy (Daily Star)

Listen, I know this bloke whose brother-in-law works for the man who did the plumbing in Roman Abramovich's mansion, and I'm reliably informed that Chelsea are going to sign Eto'o, Kaká, and Fabregas, and Ancelotti's definitely the new manager (that shifty-looking fella you kind of know from seeing him down the pub but can never remember his name)

Claudio Ranieri has sensationally refused to rule himself out of the running for the Chelsea job: "This is a ridiculous question," he said, "I'm not going to answer this. How the hell did you get my phone number?" (The Sun)

Aleksandr Hleb will join Milan next week, says his agent (Gazzetta Dello Sport)

Marcello Lippi has taken out a restraining order against Peter Kenyon (Tuttosport)

Manchester City are on the verge of signing Ronaldinho (various)

No, really, Manchester City are on the verge of signing Ronaldinho (various)

Real Madrid are ready to pay a transfer fee of €300 million and €75 million annually in salary for Cristiano Ronaldo (Daily Star)

Liverpool are desperate to sign Fernando Torres to a new contract as his present deal has only four years left to run (Independent)

Fabio Capello refuses to answer a question on whether he would be interested in taking the Chelsea job, instead engaging the journalist in a stare-out match. It lasts for two minutes and 14 seconds before the journalist blinks (various)

Aleksandr Hleb will join Tottenham next week, says his agent (Setanta Sports News)

Alex Ferguson will sell Cristiano Ronaldo but only to Barcelona, just to see the look on Real Madrid's face (Daily Star)

Real Madrid have upped their bid for Cristiano Ronaldo to €1 billion, access to Santiago Bernabeu's secret outdoors-fetish pornography collection, and a Canary Island of United's choosing (The Times)

Gilbert Arenas has opted out of the last year of his deal with the Washington Wizards, alerting several Premier League clubs (Guardian)

Gabriele D'Annunzio, 37, a butcher from Rimini, has denied that he has been in talks with Chelsea about their vacant manager's job, but says he would accept the offer should it come: "I'm a Juventus fan, but if Chelsea call, sure, why not?" (various)

Aleksandr Hleb has been seen leaving a Barcelona restaurant in the company of Barca president Joan Laporta (Daily Mirror)

Inter are set to make a sensational bid for the entire Chelsea first team squad, minus Nicolas Anelka and Andrii Shevchenko (The Sun)

Roy Keane has asked Sunderland's board for a war-chest of £200 million, as he prepares to bid for Jesper Blomqvist, David May and Massimo Taibi (Irish Sun)

Steven Gerrard has urged Irish voters to endorse the Lisbon Treaty in the upcoming referendum: "obviously I'd love to see the Treaty ratified, it would really strengthen the Union but, like, obviously it's down to the Irish at the end of the day (Times)

Milan have sensationally joined the race to sign Cristiano Ronaldo in an exchange for Didier Drogba, who they wish to sign from Chelsea in a swap deal for Emmanuel Adebayor, who will leave Arsenal in exchange for Frank Lampard, who will spend next season on loan to Barcelona, with Xavi going in the opposite direction, in doing so sharing a plane with Giovani dos Santos who has changed his mind about signing for Spurs and will instead join West Ham; this plane will stop over at Lyon, where Hatem Ben Arfa will board on his way to Newcastle owing to a frightful mix-up in which they thought they were signing Karim Benzema, who is actually close to signing for Bayern Munich and joining his French team-mate Franck Ribery, even though he has signed a pre-contract deal with Manchester United as a long-term replacement for Ryan Giggs who plans to retire in 2028 to concentrate more fully on his Super Furry Animals tribute band Fuzzy Logic, in which his bug-eyed stare and fine singing voice make him an ideal Gruff Rhys (Daily Telegraph)

Aleksandr Hleb has denied ever being in Barcelona in his life. He also rejects the quotes attributed to his agent: "I don't even have an agent. What's an agent?," he said, raising his palms to heaven (Sky Sports)

Thaksin Shinawatra has warned Mark Hughes that he faces the axe if Man City fail to win the Champions League this season (Manchester Evening News)

Every footballer outside England has issued a come-and-get-me plea to a Premier League - any Premier League club. "Ever since Sky signed their most recent TV deal with the Premier League, it has been our lifelong dream to play in England," they said (various)

Wayne Rooney claims that the Conservative Party is a "bad influence on the nation's children" after their leader in the European Parliament resigned today after admitting fiddling his expenses (BBC)

****BREAKING****BREAKING****BREAKING****
Chelsea have appointed the ghost of Vittorio Pozzo as their new manager. More as we get it...

Read more...