05 July 2008

See Your Future With The FIFA-Registered Fortune Teller

Come in, my son. Please sit down. First you must cross my palm with silver...How much? About 15% of what you have should do the trick.

Thank you. I shall now gaze into the crystal ball - let us see what lies ahead for you, young man...Oooh, I see a man...a man of Latin appearance. He's beckoning to you...yes, he wants you to follow him. I see you on a plane, very plush - must be first class! You are heading south for a life in the sun. And what's this...I see money - riches beyond your wildest dreams! You're waving it the face of your former friends as if to remind them what fools they have been to have trusted you. You don't need them - you'll have many new and more exciting friends where you're going.

Yes, I see them now. There's a big welcoming party for you, full of television cameras and press photographers. You're going to be famous, revered around the world for your fabulousness. It's the life you always dreamed of.

Ah...the crystal ball is showing me what's happening a little further forward in time now. Yes, it's next spring...oh...oh dear. It's not looking so good, I'm afraid. You have scored but three goals, two of them in a cup rout of a hapless lower-league team. Oh no - your friends are saying horrible things about you behind your back. Strangers are giving you dirty looks in the street. And the graffiti...I just hope you don't learn the vernacular. You are miserable, rattling around your new eight-bedroom villa, all alone except for your posse, your domestic staff and your huge piles of money. No, this is not good...

We're going forward a little further again...You have moved on, onto a new city in a new country and...wait, you're moving on again and...hold on, you keep hopping from city to city, country to country, job to job. You stay in one place for a year, maybe a year and a half at most. You are ill at ease, young man. You are troubled, yet you maintain a defiant face throughout, for you are still talented and very, very rich. You do not care for the feelings of others.

Aha! I'm seeing a very clear vision now! It is the final of a major international club competition. It is goalless, deep into extra-time. There are many tense and worried people in the stadium. Wait, there you are! It's the 119th minute and you are standing on the touchline waiting to come on...now I see a penalty shoot-out...it's 3-2 to the opposition, it's your team's last kick and...yes! You're stepping up to take it! You place the ball on the spot and take several steps back. You're running up to the ball and...

Oh dear. The crystal ball is fogging up. Oh well, some secrets the cosmos must keep to itself. Of course, you could always pay for another go...no no, I definitely said 17.5%...


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