Starchy goodness fresh from the rumour mill

Cristiano Ronaldo says he will be a Real Madrid player next season (Marca)

Cristiano Ronaldo says he will be a Manchester United player next season (The Sun)

Real Madrid president Ramón Calderón opens a press conference by saying he will definitely sign Cristiano Ronaldo, immediately contradicts himself, then spend the next hour and fifteen minutes alternating between the two positions (various)

Aleksandr Hleb will join Barcelona next week, says his agent (Daily Mirror)

Roberto Donadoni is the latest name linked with the Chelsea hotseat, despite his extending his contract with Italy (Daily Star)

Listen, I know this bloke whose brother-in-law works for the man who did the plumbing in Roman Abramovich's mansion, and I'm reliably informed that Chelsea are going to sign Eto'o, Kaká, and Fabregas, and Ancelotti's definitely the new manager (that shifty-looking fella you kind of know from seeing him down the pub but can never remember his name)

Claudio Ranieri has sensationally refused to rule himself out of the running for the Chelsea job: "This is a ridiculous question," he said, "I'm not going to answer this. How the hell did you get my phone number?" (The Sun)

Aleksandr Hleb will join Milan next week, says his agent (Gazzetta Dello Sport)

Marcello Lippi has taken out a restraining order against Peter Kenyon (Tuttosport)

Manchester City are on the verge of signing Ronaldinho (various)

No, really, Manchester City are on the verge of signing Ronaldinho (various)

Real Madrid are ready to pay a transfer fee of €300 million and €75 million annually in salary for Cristiano Ronaldo (Daily Star)

Liverpool are desperate to sign Fernando Torres to a new contract as his present deal has only four years left to run (Independent)

Fabio Capello refuses to answer a question on whether he would be interested in taking the Chelsea job, instead engaging the journalist in a stare-out match. It lasts for two minutes and 14 seconds before the journalist blinks (various)

Aleksandr Hleb will join Tottenham next week, says his agent (Setanta Sports News)

Alex Ferguson will sell Cristiano Ronaldo but only to Barcelona, just to see the look on Real Madrid's face (Daily Star)

Real Madrid have upped their bid for Cristiano Ronaldo to €1 billion, access to Santiago Bernabeu's secret outdoors-fetish pornography collection, and a Canary Island of United's choosing (The Times)

Gilbert Arenas has opted out of the last year of his deal with the Washington Wizards, alerting several Premier League clubs (Guardian)

Gabriele D'Annunzio, 37, a butcher from Rimini, has denied that he has been in talks with Chelsea about their vacant manager's job, but says he would accept the offer should it come: "I'm a Juventus fan, but if Chelsea call, sure, why not?" (various)

Aleksandr Hleb has been seen leaving a Barcelona restaurant in the company of Barca president Joan Laporta (Daily Mirror)

Inter are set to make a sensational bid for the entire Chelsea first team squad, minus Nicolas Anelka and Andrii Shevchenko (The Sun)

Roy Keane has asked Sunderland's board for a war-chest of £200 million, as he prepares to bid for Jesper Blomqvist, David May and Massimo Taibi (Irish Sun)

Steven Gerrard has urged Irish voters to endorse the Lisbon Treaty in the upcoming referendum: "obviously I'd love to see the Treaty ratified, it would really strengthen the Union but, like, obviously it's down to the Irish at the end of the day (Times)

Milan have sensationally joined the race to sign Cristiano Ronaldo in an exchange for Didier Drogba, who they wish to sign from Chelsea in a swap deal for Emmanuel Adebayor, who will leave Arsenal in exchange for Frank Lampard, who will spend next season on loan to Barcelona, with Xavi going in the opposite direction, in doing so sharing a plane with Giovani dos Santos who has changed his mind about signing for Spurs and will instead join West Ham; this plane will stop over at Lyon, where Hatem Ben Arfa will board on his way to Newcastle owing to a frightful mix-up in which they thought they were signing Karim Benzema, who is actually close to signing for Bayern Munich and joining his French team-mate Franck Ribery, even though he has signed a pre-contract deal with Manchester United as a long-term replacement for Ryan Giggs who plans to retire in 2028 to concentrate more fully on his Super Furry Animals tribute band Fuzzy Logic, in which his bug-eyed stare and fine singing voice make him an ideal Gruff Rhys (Daily Telegraph)

Aleksandr Hleb has denied ever being in Barcelona in his life. He also rejects the quotes attributed to his agent: "I don't even have an agent. What's an agent?," he said, raising his palms to heaven (Sky Sports)

Thaksin Shinawatra has warned Mark Hughes that he faces the axe if Man City fail to win the Champions League this season (Manchester Evening News)

Every footballer outside England has issued a come-and-get-me plea to a Premier League - any Premier League club. "Ever since Sky signed their most recent TV deal with the Premier League, it has been our lifelong dream to play in England," they said (various)

Wayne Rooney claims that the Conservative Party is a "bad influence on the nation's children" after their leader in the European Parliament resigned today after admitting fiddling his expenses (BBC)

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Chelsea have appointed the ghost of Vittorio Pozzo as their new manager. More as we get it...