05 March 2010

Mark E. Smith on Ramsey and Shawcross: Gymwork cops stalking the streets-uh

I've been tempted to write something about the Aaron Ramsey/Ryan Shawcross "coming together". Alas, every time I try to publish my thoughts on it, an error message flashes up: PERMISSION DENIED: YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO END IN TEARS, FREDORRARCI. Which is fair enough.

I can, though, pass on the opinions of others. I was delighted last night to receive a voicemail message from my old whist pal Mark E. Smith From Out Of The Fall, which I relay to you here:

Uh ... thing fucking work— Ah, yaright, Fred, 's me, Mark Smith. Ah, just calling about that, uh, dog of yours ... and, uh, 'cos I've written a song about that thing with Shawcross and the Welsh lad and, uh, just thought you might like to hear it, you being a fucking Gooner and 'at, youknowworramean. 's not finished or owt, but (inaudible) dead good, I reckon. I'll sing it for you now, haven't got the band with me, like, but I'll just sing it. My singing's getting really (inaudible) (laughter) (cough).

This is a warning from—

—Fuck, forgot, 's called "Playground Letraset Forgiveness Compact", right...

This is a warning from the Potteries!
Beware the gymwork cops stalking the streets-uh
Boer War scar tissue and Charles M., Charles H. induction-uh, certificate-uh
Remember: when your skull gets smashed with truncheons of propriety:
You are to blame-uh!
In the Big Sam disciple courtroom showroom abattoir
The man with the prawn cocktail Molotov breath says:
You are to blame! You are to blame-uh!
You asked for it, sunshine-uh!
Don't come running to me with your broken-uh

...duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh, nuh...

Alimentary rumble of brain shrapnel halfwits
Cling to the scalpel like doctor evil Übermensch rotating the rack-uh
The RACK-uh!
He's a good lad, though
His tears fill the reservoirs all across the land
And keep the water bills down-uh
Britannia, prison yard, crap, hobnail, press conference
Hiroo Onoda emerges from the jungle and says:
That's how it's always been-nuh!

...then there's, like, a kind of guitar bit after that, right, and then it's...

Cast signed in playground Letraset forgiveness compact-uh
Cast signed in playground Letraset forgiveness compact-uh
Cast signed-uh, in playground-uh, Letraset-uh, forGIVEness compact!
You are to blame! You are to blame-uh!
Cast signed-uh, in playground Letraset forgiveness compact-uh
Know your place, son, know your place!
You are to blame! It's your fault! You are to blame!
Cast signed in playground-uh
That's how it's always been-uh!
Cast signed in playground Letraset forgiveness compact-uh...

...and that's all I've got so far, so, uh, anyway, hope you're keeping well, and, uh, the dog ... sorry about that, hope he's, you know, alive an 'at, so yeah, I'll (inaudible) ... ta-ra...


Webbie @ Football and Music 5/3/10 4:32 AM  

AH ! ha ha I knew it..I knew it...
I was going to start taunting you/teasing you when I read your tweets, but I though no... let him be because I betcha....


Fredorrarci 7/3/10 1:50 AM  

Well, you know, I couldn't help myself, could I?

Jennifer Doyle 9/3/10 10:03 PM  

this is amazing. thank you - made my day.

Fredorrarci 10/3/10 12:31 AM  

You're welcome, Jennifer. Thank you.

NickDunmore 19/3/10 2:12 AM  

Musically, I envisaged this as a mix of the sluggery of Garden, with the helterskeltering chorus of Mere Pseud Mag Ed.

Fredorrarci 20/3/10 2:02 AM  

Definitely some Mere Pseud Mag Ed, with other ranty things like The Classical and New Puritan, if I recall.

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