09 June 2008

You have...four...new messages...

"Hey Crissy babe, it's me. Eh...I thought I'd catch you but I suppose you're still training. Anyway just called tae see how you were getting on. Listen, people round here keep spreading these rumours about you and that slag Ramón, but we know it's rubbish. Don't we? Just a heads-up, like, people will probably be asking you questions and that. I know you wouldnae do that tae me, would you dear? We'll show the world what a great team we are! Anyway, hope the weather's good and you're no' getting up tae any mischief, heh heh. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. I'll talk tae you soon, love."

"Hey babe, it's me...eh...look...I know I shouldn't listen tae things people say and all, but...well it's kind of messing wi' mah heed. I know it's all crap, but I just need tae be sure, you know? And when you didn't call back yesterday...I'm just being paranoid, I know, and I don't wannae come across all needy and that, but I just think we should talk. Look, there's a flight tae Geneva first thing tomorrow. I've checked BA's website and there's some seats still available; I'm gonnae book a ticket this evening. I know it's all nonsense, but we just need tae talk this over, face tae face. We've got through worse than this, haven't we, Crissy? And we've always come through stronger. See you tomorrow, babe. Love you."

"You BASTARD! You little...fucking...BASTARD! Pick up the phone. I know you're there, Crissy, just pick up the fucking phone! (silence) Look, I just go' the message from your flunky telling me you don't wannae see me. Do you know how embarrassing it was, me about tae board the plane, and then getting that piece of crap sent tae mah phone? I was mortified. I started shouting, and then I started crying, and I had tae run off here tae the gents just tae hide away from all the people staring at me. And you didnae even have the guts tae send it yoursel'! Well, let me tell you something - you can run off with Ramón for all I care. Go on! Go ahead! See if I care! I've got a queue of people who wannae be with me, a fucking queue. I bet I could click mah fingers and David would come running back...I know you're listening, Crissy, just have the guts tae pick up...(silence)...fine, be like that. Just know this: I gave up the best years of mah life for you. I dumped that slut David tae be wi' you. You do remember that, don't you? And this is how you treat me? Five years o' mah life gone down the fucking toilet. Look, if you want tae swan off tae Spain wi' that airhead, that flash-the-cash prick, then...look, JUST PICK UP THE PHONE! PICK IT UP! JUST...just...AAAAAAAAH! (crash)"

"Eh...hi, Crissy, it's me again. Look...ah...I'm really sorry about that last message. I just lost the run o' mahsel'. You know how I get when I'm angry, I just go crazy and start throwing things and...look I didnae mean what I said. You know I still love you, don't you? (sobs) You...you know I still care for you? Think of all the great times we had together. Think of all those wonderful moments. And remember when everyone was slagging you off, calling you a pretty boy, saying you were just a tart wi' no' a brain in your heed? Who defended you? I knew you were more than that. I kept saying how wonderful you were, and I didnae care who heard me. We have a connection, don't we, Crissy? We have this, like, cosmic, spiritual bond, don't we? I knew it was there the first time I laid eyes on you. I know you feel it too. I know you better than anyone. That Ramón only wants you for your body. He just wants tae show you off tae his friends. I know he's loaded. I know he'll shower you with all the gifts you want, but he'll never wannae get tae know the real you. Like I do, Crissy. Like I do. (sniffles) Just think about that, babe, yeah? Just know that I want you back, and that I'm always thinking of you. Listen, I know you're busy and you probably don't wannae talk right now. Just call me back after your game, yeah? (sings)You're beautiful...you're beautiful...you're beautiful, it's true...(through sobs)I love you, Crissy..."

"Press 5 to delete all..."

"All messages deleted"


Anonymous,  10/6/08 8:01 PM  

I was still chuckling at the thought of a love-obsessed, groveling Sir Alex and I missed the last line in your post. Ouch! Even though I'm an unabashed admirer of Sir Alex, I think your scene is hilarious (and so well-drawn...um, I hope it's because you've seen similar things in films or read them in books).

And to think I went from a mocking, contemptuous characterization of the Portuguese pretty-boy just 18 months ago on the old Orb it earned me my one and only nasty comment: "bitch"), to one who has too much sympathy for the lovelorn Sir Alex.

Steve 10/6/08 8:47 PM  

Ah, I see Susan beat me to the punch on this one. At least I can back up her story about changing tunes. Her initial comments about Crissy had more to do with the brands of hair product and bronzer he used than productivity on the pitch. It's funny how all those goals this year have seen her change her tune.

Your post cracked me up. I may have even laughed OL once or twice. The Scottish accent is what sold it.

I have some advice for Sir Alex. Cheer up, mate. Never 'ad a knockback aff a laddie before?

fredorrarci 11/6/08 4:03 PM  

"um, I hope it's because you've seen similar things in films or read them in books"

Not at all - it's all thanks to the amazing innovations that have been made in digital scanning technology. God bless those snoopers.

I actually feel sorry for Fergie after that. I'm also fully aware that a Man Utd fan could very well be writing a similar post as we speak about Arsene and Alex Hleb and/or Emannuel Adebayor.

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