15 June 2008

There's a taxi pulling up outside - is that him?

...no, no, false alarm.

You're sure you told him? He's definitely coming, right?...

...yeah, I know, I know, 'fashionably late' and all that. I'm just a bit antsy, that's all. I want everything to go well tonight. It's taken a hell of a lot of organising, getting everyone together like this. I hope it was worth it.

Wait - there's another car outside...there's someone getting out...is it...yes! It's him! He's at the front door of the building. Okay, everyone, remember, just act normally, like there's nothing strange going on. (Knock on door) And for God's sake, don't all gawk at him when he comes in, okay? Are we ready?...

...Hey! Ronnie! Come in! Great to see you, bud...Hey, everyone, it's Ronaldinho! Glad you could make it, Ron. We were getting worried for a while there. A party's not a party without you, am I wrong? Am I wrong, eh?! Here, come into the kitchen and let me fix you a drink and you can...

...NOW! BOLT THE DOOR! QUICK!

...Now I know this is confusing, Ronnie, but hear me out. What I'm about to say, you're not gonna like. Not one bit. The thing is, I...all of us have seen what's become of you these last few years, and we're all just so worried about you. And we can see you're not helping yourself. You may not know it, you may not want to know it, but you need help. That's why we're all here tonight. We...we're intervening, Ron.

...That's right: an intervention...

...calm...calm down, Ron. Yeah, you could hit me, but what good's that gonna do? Well? You'd still have the same problems as you did before.

...Yes you do. You've been denying it for too long. Everyone in this room can see it, it seems, other than you. Are you trying to say we're all stupid? You trying to say we're the blind ones? Gimme a break, Ronnie! We've seen the signs: the rows with your team-mates; your sudden weight gain; your sad, lost appearance on the field. You've been sliding down a slppery slope for too long, mate .

Listen, we were all delighted when you got the chance to move. It's just what you need - a change of scenery, to get away from your demons; a way to start anew, get back to being the old Ronaldinho. But then we heard about this and our hearts just sank.

...Don't try to deny it. It's also here, here and here. See, even in New bloody Zealand they know!

Come on, Ronnie - face it! You're lost. The devil has you by the solid-gold ear-ring and is leading you far, far astray. Remember this? Or this? And especially this?! Are you telling me you're gonna throw it all away for them?

You may not want to hear all this but you have to trust us. We love you, Ron. It's killing us to see you like this. It's not too late! You can turn back. We'll be here to help you. We're begging you!...

...Well, we thought this might be difficult, so we have a backup plan. Lise, get the headphones please, love...okay, Ron, you're going to listen to this on repeat until the message sinks in:



and we're all staying here until it does. However long it takes...oh, don't worry, we're well stocked; we have supplies to last us all a very long time...hunger strike? What difference would that make? It's not like you've shown any hunger for the last two years anyway...

3 comments:

Richard Whittall 16/6/08 2:38 AM  

They're all catching this bug apparently. Kaka has been talking about it as well...dark days ahead.

"How many moves to Chelsea does it take to ruin a good career playing for a marquee club on the continent?"

Answer: JUST ONE.

Kids, Don't Do Chelski!

soccerorb 16/6/08 2:07 PM  

Yet more inspired writing! And there's more, I see.

I think I need an intervention. I went out of town with friends for a few days and suffered because I had to go cold turkey (well, almost) from footy and blogging. And now I'm playing catch-up...the story of my life.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd think an Arsenal fan would be delighted that all the attention is focused firmly on the latest West End drama. You can always hope for the best--big spending, high hopes and crushing disappointment. Kind of like last season, right?

fredorrarci 16/6/08 11:10 PM  

I do quite like it that the ever-increasing ludicrousness of the transfer hyper-hype-o-rama is centred at Chelsea (and United) rather than Arsenal, where things are generally chugging along pleasantly inconspicupuously at the moment (Hleb notwithstanding).

But this Ronaldinho thing scares me. I'm surprised that the weekend headlines were about a potential bid for Fernando Torres, while some way down the page there'd be an "oh, by the way, Ronaldinho might be coming too"; the Torres deal ain't going to happen, and the Ronaldinho story makes much more sense, especially with Scolari's arrival. The notion that Ronaldinho is past it is one I just don't buy, and with a change of scenery, mangaged by someone who's managed him before and knows how to get the best out of him, I believe he'd be back to a similar level as his peak.

We need a plan to stop Kaka. An intervention won't work, I feel; perhaps if someone whispers into his ear while he's asleep, pretending to be an angel delivering a message from God not to move - maybe that'll do the trick.

If he does go to Chelsea, I'm just giving up on football.

By the way, Ronaldinho's still stubbornly resisting. We thought he might eventually take in the wise counsel of EC, but we discovered that he'd sneakily changed the track on the CD to 'Pump It Up' (he thinks the bassline is "muito funqui"). Anyway, he's asleep now. He nearly woke when his phone rang - we just about managed to answer it in time. It was one of his brothers threatening to call the cops, so you might see me on the news in the coming days.

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