The Official Sport Is A TV Show World Cup Draw 5-Hour Review Spectacular!

This weekend, following yesterday's World Cup draw, you're going to see a ton of would-be insights from people who have seen, like, six of the teams play since the last tournament, using whatever lame prognosticatory capacities they possess.

I'd hate to buck the trend.

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GROUP A (The Group of Lady Macbeth)

South Africa
Mexico
Uruguay
France

WE COULD HAVE FINISHED SECOND IN THAT GROUP!

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GROUP B (Quite Literally The Group of Beth)

Argentina
Nigeria
South Korea
Greece

75% identical in composition to Group D in the 1994 finals. Which makes South Korea this tournament's Bulgaria, Park Ji-Sung the Stoitchkov of the East and Lionel Messi a very naughty boy. (See? This prediction stuff is a cinch.)

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GROUP C (The Group of Meth)

England
USA
Algeria
Slovenia

USA-England: a recently-diagnosed manic depressive versus a lifelong sufferer. The broadcast will end with "If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme..."

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GROUP D (The Group of Math)

Germany
Australia
Serbia
Ghana

Look, Neill fouled Grosso, okay?

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GROUP E (The Group of Heth-Eth-Eth-Eth-Eth, Heth-Eth-Eth-Eth-Eth, Heth-Eth-Eth-Eth-Eth, Sausage Factory)

Holland
Denmark
Japan
Cameroon

"That's just naive defending, Clive."

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GROUP F (The Group of "Eth! There's a Hair on My Tongue!")

Italy
Paraguay
New Zealand
Slovakia

"Miss Montana!"

"A beaut from Butte!"

"Miss South Carolina!"

"Nuthin' could be finer!"

"Miss Delaware!"

"Uh ... Good for her!"

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GROUP G (The Group of Glorious Sacrifice for the Motherland)

Brazil
North Korea
Ivory Coast
Portugal

"So, at half-time it's Ivory Coast leading North Korea by a goal to nil. What effect do you think this will have on England's chances, Alan?"

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GROUP H (The Group of Bad Breath)

Spain
Switzerland
Honduras
Chile

Sepp Blatter is Swiss. That's all I'm saying.