26 January 2009

Your chance to own a piece of history

Some of you may be unaware that the Masal Bugduv hoax was not the first I've uncovered. In between my providing you with top-notch bloggery, I have been ruthlessly exposing the LIES that THEY don't want you to know about:

  • Last year, while browsing in a second-hand bookshop, I came across an original copy of the New Testament. After paying the 20 quid asked and teaching myself ancient Greek, I discovered a most extraordinary thing: this Jesus fellow everyone has been going on about did not actually exist. In fact, for nigh on two millennia, billions of people have been worshipping a racing pigeon named Walter. Read in this light, the Gospels are a simple fable about being nice to others or always eating your greens or something. This is an easy mistake -- the ancient Greek for "Walter the racing pigeon" is very close to that for "Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ" -- but it has proved to be a major embarrassment to the Christian churches. Some simple investigation showed that the Wikipedia page for "Jesus" was created at a computer in the Vatican. The Catholic Church strenuously denied everything, and Pope Benedict XVI declared that anyone who so much as looked at a copy of the New Testament would face excommunication. The Eastern Orthodox churches acknowledged the error and promptly disbanded.

  • Everyone knows the moon landings were faked, but the real reason for this only came to light after I went undercover at NASA in the spring of 2005. I used my PhD in aerospace engineering to attain a high-level post in the organisation, giving me access to their super-top-secret data files, in which I found out that the moon is nothing more than an optical illusion caused by the interference of sunlight with the radioactive Van Allen belt.

  • The world is run by the Freemasons. The Freemasons are run by the Illuminati. The Illuminati are run by David Icke.

  • Geoff Hurst's second goal for England against West Germany in the 1966 World Cup final didn't even cross the line.

  • You know that man you've been calling "Dad" all these years? Well...

All of this and much, much more can be found in my forthcoming book, Fredorrarci: Daring to Doubt. In this shameless cashing-in on my new-found global fame, you will read painstakingly-detailed accounts of my many efforts to bring to light the shocking conspiracies which keep you -- yes, you -- the dribbling idiot you are. It is also a memoir, chronicling the experiences which made me the magnificent and gorgeous human being that I am today:

"It's a boy," said the doctor as he handed me to my mother, "and he weighs a healthy seven pounds four ounces." "Excuse me, doctor," I said, my wonderfully mellifluous tone evident even at that age, "I think you'll find the scales read seven pounds five ounces?" He weighed me again. "Why, the little tyke is right! I think we know what this one is going to do when he grows up, don't we? I reckon he'll travel the globe revealing high-level hoaxes and cock-ups to those less overwhelmingly gifted than he, casting a ruthlessly doubtful eye over the evil-doers of this world, possibly reporting his findings on some medium we can but dream of in this innocent age."

And you know something? He was right.

So there you have it: Fredorrarci: Daring to Doubt, published next month, available at all book shops lucky to stock it. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to be fitted for my suit for my Légion d'honneur presentation. Get off my property.

Comic: xkcd


Richard Whittall 26/1/09 11:48 PM  

Well, I'm a bit cut up about my dad, but thanks about the heads-up on Hurst's goal! What a maroon! When do they do the replay?

Fredorrarci 27/1/09 2:04 PM  

Find out in the book! Ian Wright says: "It's well wicked!"

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