19 February 2009

Alan Green and Mark Lawrenson commentate on a trans-Antarctica expedition

Alan: Let's see how much time will be allocated for stoppages to replenish their bodies with much-needed nutrients...Five minutes? Where on earth are they getting five minutes from? Yet another atrocious decision. (Exasperated) They'll never learn, will they?

Mark: They've gone soft. What a bunch of jessies.

Alan: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. What d'you reckon they're feeding the dogs?

Mark: Probably some specially-made stuff for the tough Antarctic conditions. Tell you what -- it's not Pedigree Chum, that's for certain.

Alan: It's not like it was in your day, is it, Mark?

Mark: They'd have been lucky to get the crust from my chicken curry pie in my day. They'd have been lucky to get any of your pie any day.

Alan: I've lost weight, I'll have you know. Been on the Atkins Diet.

Mark: More like the Ron Atkinson diet.

(Pause as Mark basks in his own comic genius.)

Alan: Oh, now one of them has gone down clutching his hand...

Mark: It's his finger, I think.

Alan: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I'm sure he's at death's door alright. Looks like his finger has fallen off.

Mark: Look at him pretending to be in agony. Just gaffer-tape it back on and get on with it.

Alan: He was the same way earlier when he took off his sock and three of his toes didn't come out. Disgraceful. You don't know you're born, son.

Mark: I'm telling you Alan -- soft. They've all gone soft.

Alan: Too right. What's the world coming to? And would you look at that: they're all wearing gloves! Every single one of them! Typical!

Mark: I'll tell you what: if Bob Paisley had caught me wearing gloves, he'd have made me eat them, there and then in front of the rest of the team. And if I hadn't finished by the time the lads were showered and dressed, he'd have driven me to my house, made me watch while he slaughtered my first-born and then urinated on my begonias.

Alan: Quite right.

Mark: (Disbelievingly) Is that a scarf? (Angrily) Is that bloke actually wearing a scarf?!

Alan: Lord, give me strength...

Mark: Tell you what: in my day...


Richard Whittall 21/2/09 2:58 PM  

Now how do we keep them both in Antarctica, preferably without gloves or scarves or dogs or food and water?

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