Accidental workplace injury

You're walking down the street. You're minding your own business. Everyone else is minding theirs. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, you accost a pedestrian travelling in the opposite direction. You swipe the closed brolly from his hand and start beating him with it. You use it to club him repeatedly about the head, before starting on the ribs. You aim a perfect blow to his kneecap and, as a coup de grace, you stab him through the heart with the umbrella's tip. He falls backward, his body hideously contorted. It twitches once, and he dies.

Unfortunately for you, you carried out this attack within sight of a police officer. He rushes over, and though unable to reach you in time to save the life of the innocent passer-by, he immediately arrests and handcuffs you.

"What, me?" you plead. "Are you serious? It's not my fault! I was just swinging that brolly around and that bloke got in the way! I mistimed it, that's all! D'you hear me? I mistimed it! I mean, how dare you!"

At trial, you probably get community service or something.

You are Kevin Nolan. You are a prick.