Once again, "Tapping into the market for day-old recaps of games you couldn't care less about". This time, Arsenal 1-0 Roma in a mixture of outlandish metaphors (as promised), similes and "X is the Y of Z" constructions. One day, all match reports will look like this.
Emmanuel Eboué making a run is like a person telling a joke with a really great set-up, but then forgetting the punchline.
Denílson is not the Shane Battier of central midfielders, but he may be better than you think.
That last sentence was the mother of all optimistically hedged bets.
Robin van Persie taking possession of the ball eighteen yards out is the first childhood glimpse of a pristine snowfield.
Robin van Persie is the last four tracks of A Hard Day's Night of footballers.
Robin van Persie is the 'Hey Bulldog' of footballers. (Whichever works for you.)
Nicklas Bendtner's first touch is like getting your two questions wrong on your long-dreamt-of appearance on Fifteen-to-One.
Watching Arsenal is like watching a new episode of The Simpsons.
Arsenal-Roma is the political debate between members of two fringe political parties who you and -- if they'd admit it -- they know will have exactly zero effect on anything of import but still retains the potential for some entertainment, partly on its own meagre terms and partly for the realisation that the two sides have not quite grasped the occasion's insignificance, so it at least has the illusion of substance of the first knockout round.
Arsenal are the way you can't quite scratch that itch on the part of your back you can't properly reach.
Arsenal are the Mexico of the Champions League.
Arsenal are The Zombies of football.
Arsenal are the Arsenal of football.