Where do you people come from, anyway? Don't you know what democracy entails? Have you never seen episode one of Blackadder the Third ('Dish and Dishonesty')? There are ways and means, you know! I may as well have promised the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast! I've ended up as William Pitt the Even Younger, when I could have been Baldrick. I COULD HAVE BEEN BALDRICK!!!
Luckily, the editors at Soccerlens know that democracy is a sham designed to keep the proletariat docile (in fact, you could see that by the fact that they opted for the first-past-the-post system for their awards, rather than the fairer Single Transferable Vote version of Proportional Representation - for shame!). And, in their wisdom, they have decide to give me one of their virtual baubles. By the looks of things, it may have been my
irrational hatred of Alan Shearer that swung it, which restores my faith in justice.
As you can imagine, the endorsement offers have poured in. If things are quiet here over the next few days, it'll be because I'm off to film a commercial with Tiger and Roger (Tigs and Rog, to friends) which will debut during the Super Bowl. If I'm slow in replying to your gushing letter of love and devotion, I apologise, but there's going to be a mountain of that stuff when I get back. Ciao, plebs.
If you frittered away your vote on this fringe candidate, thank you. And sorry. Congratulations to the other award winners, especially Brian Phillips, The Offside and Two Hundred Percent.