All times GMT
Everton v Fulham Hey, how's things?
Chelsea v Sunderland Hmmm...Premier League...that's the volleyball thing, right?
Man Utd v Hull Football...football?...yeah, yeah, I've seen it before, flicking through the stations, like. No, wait - am I thinking of kabaddi? No, no, football, it was definitely football.
Middlesbrough v West Ham Why are you looking at me like that?
Portsmouth v Wigan Wednesday? What happened on Wednesday?
Stoke v [REDACTED] Oh yeah, sure. It's Halloween, not April Fools' Day, idiot.
West Brom v Blackburn You're expecting me to believe all that? Listen, for a start, you're making those team names up. I'm no genius but I'm relatively clued up on this stuff and I have never heard of them. They don't register with me at all.
[REDACTED] v Liverpool If you can show me those headlines and replays, then do, by all means. I listened to the Guardian podcast and they didn't mention it - not once. By the way, were the first ten minutes missing from your podcast, too? Some kind of technical glitch, I presume.
Bolton v Man City Look, let's go on the internet and check this out, shall we? Settle this once and for all...
Newcastle v Aston Villa OH MY GOD! Come here, quick! Look! They've cancelled the Premier League!!!