December 31, 2009

Like the uncovering of the bodies as the giant sun soars up

So we could do a "best of 2009" type feature here. But that would mean having to exploit two faculties which are in a bad way chez my brain: remembering things, and putting things in order of preference (you should see me at the ballot box (PR-STV ftw!)).

Let's do something a little different. The Liverpool 4-4 Arsenal game in April was strange enough as it was, especially for an Arsenal fan. But to weird it up a squeak, when I wasn't tweeting stream links, I watched the second half with the volume turned down. My soundtrack instead was Barafundle by Gorky's Zygotic Mynci — which is, conveniently, forty-eight minutes long. I was listening to this album again lately, and the memories of confusion, Arshavin, confusion, Arshavin and confusion returned like aftershocks.

So here's a trip 'round my mind as it was on the evening of 21 April 2009. By the wonders of science, I have determined which song was playing as each of the seven second-half goals was scored. I will leave any Dark Side of Oz coincidences up to the reader (a knowledge of Welsh might help). Just realise the cognitive dissonance involved here.




1-1 — Torres — 'The Barafundle Bumbler'




2-1 — Benayoun — 'Patio Song'




2-2 — Arshavin — 'Bola Bola' ("Tummy tummy")




2-3 — Arshavin — 'Cursed, Coined and Crucified'




3-3 — Torres — 'Sometimes the Father Is the Son'




3-4 — Arshavin — 'Hwyl Fawr i Pawb' ("Goodbye to everyone")




4-4 — Benayoun — 'Wordless Song'



*

Now that I've shared almost half the album with you, do buy it if you like what you hear (there's some even better stuff elsewhere on the record) and salve my conscience into the bargain. Happy new year, folks. Read more...

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December 25, 2009

The Christmas Speech


And so, like the man who shows up at the party believing – nay, knowing – that he's doing you a favour, Sport Is A TV Show has made it to another Christmas. Huzzah for you!

A very big thank you is due to (in order of appearance) Brian, Elliott, Mark and Richard for their Larsson-esque loan performances this year, as well as hosting some of my profound musings at their places – respectively, The Run of Play, Futfanatico, Sport without Spin and A More Splendid Life. Thanks also to the fine folk at Soccerlens, The Onion Bag, The Norman Einsteins, Football and Music and – gulp – anyone else I may have inadvertently forgotten (do let me know) for accepting the same privilege. Cheers also to those who have posted links in this direction. Prayers are being said for you as I type.

And as for you, gorgeous readers – without you ... well, without you, this site would have no readers, which would not make it that much different to how it is now. But I do enjoy imagining the look on your awestruck little faces as you read one of my missives and it dawns upon you just how lucky you are to be living at a time when I'm around to guide you along the treacherous journey we call Sport. So bless you, poppets.

I'll admit, I'm more than a little devastated that the popularity of this site has not yet reached the critical mass required for that sweetest of career phases, the sudden and violent backlash. No matter: when that glorious day does arrive, you can say "I was there before Sport Is A TV Show was universally acknowledged to have rendered all other sportswriting utterly moribund; quite honestly, sport isn't as much fun as it was before he ruined it for everyone". I wish I was down there looking up at me. Treasure these times.

To play us out, here is Usain Bolt with the two greatest sporting occasions of the year – possibly of all time, if we're not counting Anders Limpar's goal against Manchester United in October 1990. Sadly for Usain, we are counting Anders Limpar's goal against Manchester United in October 1990. Better luck next year, Usain! Happy Christmas, or happy whatever-it-is-you-crazy-gringos-get-up-to. Ta-ra, chucks.



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December 24, 2009

Toronto wassail



The gentlemen at the top-notch NBA viddycasty thing The Basketball Jones go a-carolling, what with St. Stephen's Day Eve approaching fast, ie. as fast as any point in time approaches, assuming speed significantly below that of light. And so forth.

As good as this is, the Jones served up something even better last year when they persuaded *cough* the Boston Celtics' Brian Scalabrine to open his heart about his feelings towards Lebron James in rap form. Sadly, this happened a shade too soon to report here at the time, but in the spirit of giving and all that gubbins, here it is. My favourite parts are when *ahem* Scot Pollard shows up, and this excerpt:

And when I'm on the court, 1.8 points, son
Extrapolate that over 40 and who's the real chosen one?
Chances are this won't make any sense if you didn't follow the 2008 NBA playoffs, but there you go. Google and whatnot.

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Listen up, class

Further to my laying down the damn law for you godforsaken shower at Futfanatico not so long ago, I have run the rule over as contemptible a list of the "worst" football kits of the past ten years as you're ever likely to be sneakily tripped up by. Click on this "hyperlink" to get educated, and leave me in peace, damn your eyes.

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December 22, 2009

Scored by the finest Belgian chocolatiers

FIFA have this year introduced an award named after Ferenc Puskás (or, as they've renamed him, FIFA Puskás). It's a kind of global goal-of-the-year competition. Watching some of those YouTube videos crammed full of great goals can feel a bit like eating bad, cheap chocolate just because because you wanted to have some damn chocolate — any chocolate — and subsequently feeling ashamed at your hideous lapse in taste. To watch this compilation of the Puskás-shortlisted goals, though, is to indulge in something that has at least 80% metaphorical cocoa solids in it. Voici après le... uh ... jumpe.



(Video via Back Page Football.)

Nine beautiful goals, plus that Grafite one. Marvellous.

The winner was Cristiano Ronaldo, the confused pubescent girl vote always being strong in popular plebiscites not sensible enough to impose an age limit and a requirement to travel to a polling station. But seriously, folks, before I quite literally virtually crack myself up, some notes:

* For goals scored in the Champions League knockout stages, the Adebayor and Essien strikes have gone dreadfully underappreciated. Of course, Villarreal-Arsenal had a combined global TV audience of me and my dad, and Essien's was followed by some ... stuff. But still. You are silly sometimes, world.

* Speaking of which, put Grafite's goal next to Nilmar's and tell me you still feel the same way you did about the former as you did when it happened.

* Not to be too drippy about it, but don't the Atar, Landín and Torres goals make your heart soar, to be reminded of the so-mad-it's-saner-than-sane improvisatory genius that really can elevate it above simply being twenty-two men kicking a bag of blah blah blah, the strikes right to the heart of what keeps bringing us back to this maddening pursuit? *sigh*

My major problem with the Puskás Award, scrumptious waste of time though it may be, is that it wasn't judged by me. I have therefore instituted the Fredorraci Prize to satisfy my Father Jack-like desire to have something to do with an "Award! Award!". The winner is not necessarily the best goal I saw all year, but it's the most beautiful — so beautiful that the photograph illustrates it better than the video ever could. You know the words, folks, sing along...

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December 13, 2009

Arsenal & Liverpool, Ted & Ralph




"Tomato, Liverpool ... aubergine, your ... potato, season's ... turnip dead."



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December 11, 2009

Ireland, Ireland and parallax: two


The strange — and not-so-strange — case of Stephen Ireland. Part two of two. Part one here.

The sometimes viscerally strong feeling we can have towards a team and the copious attention it may attract don't necessarily lead to trustworthy conclusions. The commentary on the Stephen Ireland situation has, from the time of "Grannygate", been marked by an dearth of empathy. He was upbraided by most analysts for his part in the mess. Some, including Scannal contributors, have wondered aloud — disingenuously or stupidly, it's hard to tell — why he did what he did.

Where is the mystery, exactly? His girlfriend, having suffered a miscarriage while Ireland was with the national team in Slovakia, called an FAI official. Rather than tell a stranger over the phone exactly what had happened, she told him that one of Ireland's grandmothers had died. When a journalist discovered that this was untrue, Ireland said that it was actually his other granny who had snuffed it. It wasn't long before this was rumbled. But where was the sin? Here was a young couple — Ireland was barely twenty-one — undergoing a genuinely traumatic situation. He could have told Steve Staunton that his girlfriend had lied with good reason. That he did not, presumably born of a combination of a sense of honour and panic, was not just cause for the scorn and derision he received. Of course, one can only sympathise with Staunton — it can't have been fun to be so publicly embarrassed, especially at a time when he was under constant fire. But it has been discussed as if Ireland had forged a note from his mam to get off school early and then headed straight for the arcade. It has demeaned something more important than the composition of a poxy football team.


There's no need for bleeding hearts here. When I say "empathy", I don't mean going above and beyond: just the basic stuff. And it is basic, a skill we're supposed to pick up at some point on our progression to adulthood, as a facet of civility. Professional athletes may make it difficult for us, these fatted mooncalves, gated safely away from us mortals, with their youth and their offensive hubcaps, why in my day, players used to take the train to the grounds just like the fans, and you'd see them in the pub afterwards, 'cos they were normal in those days, not like today, I've been Michael Parkinson, you've been 'orrible, good night! They may be functionally similar to soap opera characters, little more than constellations of pixels imbued with whatever qualities the producers think will make us squeal with delight or displeasure. It may be difficult to see beyond all this, but that's no excuse. If you are to engage in this thing, it behoves you to do it properly, and doing it properly does not involve disengaging your brain before you start. There's passion and there's "passion". "Passion" doesn't cut it.


David Kelly's piece on Stephen Ireland is an anti-Star of Bethlehem: head away from it, magi. It is rooted in the common technique of the slighted fan of grabbing the nearest objects to hand and flinging them at the target, secure in a belief in the righteousness of the cause. As noted in part one, we are enjoined to draw conclusions from the fact that Ireland plays for "a club where accumulated wealth has corroded the value systems of so many" — as if City were unique in their wealth, as if it is inherently corrupting to the point where a player's association with the club is evidence enough for denouncement. As if, of course, some are blessed enough to float above the sea of fire, as Shay Given seemingly is. Shay is different somehow, perhaps because he is "a devout man of faith who prays every day", a "proud son of Tir [sic] Chonaill who splashes holy water in his goalmouth before every match". Perhaps it's the years he spent at Newcastle that make him more deserving of admiration than someone irrevocably touched by the Eastlands evil. But while there may be a certain intuitive appeal in locating football purgatory at St. James' Park, it's a crude method for determining who is worthy of praise or contempt.

Kelly attacks Ireland for "utterly lacking in emotional intelligence"; yet, astonishingly, he invokes the case of Roy Keane in Saipan in an attempt at contrast. Ireland possesses "not a fraction of the intelligence portrayed by Keane". What "intelligence" means in this context is unclear. But if we're talking emotional intelligence (Kelly did raise it, after all), having a vicious row with your manager days before the start of the World Cup because you just couldn't help yourself doth not a Bodhisattva make. (This applies equally to Mick McCarthy, by the way — I'm not taking sides after all these years...) But it's all okay, because "while Keane's greatness is acknowledged for all time, Egoman's endurance has yet to be proven over a sustained length of time". So, it's simple: ability times longevity equals license to behave stupidly. Glad to know it.


All this before reckoning with the odiousness of a comparison between a purely self-indulgent (on both sides) row and a situation arising from a serious personal crisis. And this is precisely the problem. Quick though purveyors of this kind of thing are, be they professional or amateur, to identify perceived deficiencies in others, this is a fundamentally self-serving exercise. Kelly describes Ireland in terms of narcissism and vanity because it is easy to do so. It is easier to believe that all players should belong to a narrow, screamingly modest behavioural and moral middle ground and regard those beyond these strictures as undesirable than it is to acknowledge the subtleties of reality, to not blindly trust first instinct, to recognise that players and spectators may see things differently and that that's okay, to acknowledge the human nature of what they choose to watch.

Choose is an important word here. "How is the Irish football community supposed to feel" about "the bland assertion that quitting the Irish set-up was 'the best decision I ever made'", asks Kelly. But what we so often see out of habit as entertainment and a means of self-validation exists to an extent beyond this vista. The ties that bind us on the outside to those on the inside are not the sole characteristic that makes sport sport. To ignore that — that's vanity. It's rich to declare, with "a yawning shrug of indifference", that you never loved her in the first place, anyway, when you're after filling her car's petrol tank with sugar. It's rich to chastise someone for egocentricity when you yourself are practically autocolonoscopic.

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December 10, 2009

Ireland, Ireland and parallax: one


The strange — and not-so-strange — case of Stephen Ireland. Part one of two. Part two here.

The makers of the otherwise fine RTE television programme Scannal occasionally play fast and loose with the definition of the show's title. The first edition of the new run (available for those in Ireland to view here until December 14) told the story of the "Grannygate" episode and Stephen Ireland's subsequent absence from the Irish national football team — hardly a "scandal" to sit alongside subjects of previous series, such as the death of Ann Lovett and the original GUBU affair.

Indeed, the show was slight, struggling to fill with substance its allotted twenty-five minutes. It was therefore an uncanny reflection. As the programme's accompanying bumph noted, Ireland has been the most discussed Irish footballer of the past two years. It could be said that the story came to some sort of resolution in August with the player declaring his international retirement in an interview with the Sunday Times. In truth, it effectively ended when it began; it barely moved subsequently. The talk on it has been little but idle post-Mass chatter.

It was still something, I suppose — enough for Ireland's retirement to generate a kind of catharsis for some. David Kelly of the Irish Independent, for instance, on September 5th — the day of the Cyprus-Ireland match, and six days after the publication of the Stephen Ireland interview — was sufficiently provoked to tear into the player. His piece was titled "Good Riddance", and it's fair to say that it reflected the views of a good proportion of Irish fans.


Kelly coins a new moniker for Stephen Ireland: Egoman. The thinking behind this is, it seems, threefold: firstly, to eliminate any confusion between the player's surname and country of origin; secondly, to demonstrate that Kelly once saw the Algonquin from a taxi window; thirdly, to sum up the player's egregiousness, as Kelly sees it:
For it is an image that perfectly captures a professional enveloped so certainly within the glow of a secure, lucrative new contract at a club where accumulated wealth has corroded the value systems of so many.
So many, / I had not thought secure, lucrative contracts had undone so many...

Have they, though? Damien Duff was, after all, one of Roman's first wave at Chelsea, and Lord alone knows how much Newcastle United were paying him, yet we unquestioningly regard him as a decent, upstanding sort. The thought of the sum of Robbie Keane's signing-on fees makes one wince; and let's not forget that while he was being all heroic and cartwheely in Ibaraki, he was drawing a salary of invisible money from Happy Pete's Dream Factory during the "If It Bleeds, It's Leeds" era. Roy Keane moved to what would soon become the world's richest club for an English record fee, and dressed as a leprechaun to hawk substandard crisps, yet there are still many in Ireland who would gladly do anything — anything — for him, if you catch my meaning.

(Of course, there are also those who still fantasise about ambushing him at Béal na mBláth. Both types are to be pitied and shunned.)

We need not even look so far for contrary argument. Kelly's article appears on page 19 of the Indo's sports section for that day. On pages 16 and 17, there
is a piece proclaiming happiness that Shay Given has finally been given the chance to win the medals that his stellar talent arguably deserves. He has been given this chance, let us remind ourselves, by moving to "a club where accumulated wealth has corroded the value systems of so many". The latter article, by the way, was written by David Kelly.


One of the contributors to Scannal, Alan Titley, makes a similar point to Kelly:
I think it may signify a change in attitude, in that from now on, players won't be so interested in playing for their country. That is to say that club loyalty is more important to them — in other words money — than any loyalty they have to the country.
It would be strange indeed if the inflation of the soccer bubble had not altered in some way the relationship between a player, his employer and his national team. Early international retirement certainly appears to be more common than it used to be, though in the absence of hard data, I can at best say that this is the perception. (Some historical notables quit their national team at their peaks: Gerd Müller, for example, and Johan Cruijff.)

We should be cautious here. It's tempting, when contemplating almost any matter in football these days, to roll one's eyes, tut and say "Money!" to no-one in particular. If we're not careful, it will soon become a rhetorical fallacy: reductio ad pecuniam, if you will. Other factors must surely be applicable too. Two oft-cited international opter-outers, Paul Scholes and Jamie Carragher, are also linked by the fact that they have remained at their respective clubs for their entire careers. Stephen Ireland may not have been at Manchester City for as long at the former pair have been at their clubs, nor is City his local club. But he has been at City since he was fifteen years old — eight years now. It's not that money can play no part in the decisions these players make, but let's give them some credit at least. If you spend long enough at one club, you might develop some kind of bond with them, a bond that might — just might — be even stronger than the simple exchange of money for services rendered.


One of the reasons for the impact of the Stephen Ireland case is that it strikes at the heart of the myth of international football; indeed, of international sport. We routinely make use of nationalistic, even militaristic, language when talking about the international game: players get called up for international duty; they play for their country, and there is no greater honour. Dulce et decorum est pro patria ludere and all that. Flags are faced, anthems sung, heads of state met, ancient grudges whetted.

The dirty little secret of international football is exactly how metaphorical all this is, how far it can be from the reality. When we used to sing that we were all part of Jackie's army, it wasn't meant to be taken literally. This is not some state position for which the holders must visit the Áras to receive their seals of office from the Prez (or equivalents thereof). This is the representative team of the national association. It is not the nation.*

Actually, this should be qualified somewhat. Of course, there is a link between identity with a nation and identity with a national team. This team is called the Republic of Ireland, after all, not the FAI Select XI; that in itself is an appropriation of something larger than sport. Titley makes the point that, "in the world we live in, where any kind of nationalism or identity is weakening in every way, the national team allows them to express their identity for that ninety minutes. And often people who would loathe everything to do with Ireland suddenly find that something else is stirred in them". And we can all think of occasions where the success or failure of a national team has transcended the mere palmarès: France's World Cup win in 1998, Brazil's mournful defeat in 1950, other countries having their history while Uruguay has its &c.


But this does not take away from the fact that this is a sports team. For the players, it may have all of the connotations it has for those of us on the outside (and we are on the outside). It may stir all of those feelings of attachment to the superset, as represented by the team name and the colours and the flags; or it may not. A national team has a head-start when it come to coherence, built as it is around a pre-existing identity, be it native or second-hand. But ultimately, it is a workplace. It's still a group of individuals, all with their own stories, all with their own motivations and mentalities, who have to figure out some way of operating together. It is dangerous to ascribe to this setup notions of patriotism, because when someone decides that it is not for them — as they are perfectly entitled to do — this would be treachery. There comes a point where sentimentality must stop and reality begin.

This is the absurd position Stephen Ireland has found himself in in the eyes of some: that to decline to play for the national team is a betrayal, a betrayal of the nation, in its way. This attitude lacks the understanding that how we see it is not necessarily the same as how it is. It's also an unwitting confirmation of the separation of team and state. That Stephen Ireland is dead to a lot of Irish fans is not a patriotic notion. It's about what he can do for us as opposed to what he can do as one of us (which he still is, by the way). It's all about how useful he can be, not what he is. It's a cold and unaffectionate way to see football — though, I suppose, not one that deviates too radically from the norm.



* For the record, I'm not one of your "oh, it's the Interlull, what a crashing bore, boo-flippin'-hoo" types. I love international football. Here's Exhibit A.
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December 9, 2009

God almighty, Dougal


Last December, Some People Are On The Pitch delighted us with their 12 Graphs of Christmas. This year, they've opted for an Advent calendar, and a fine thing it is too, as evidenced by the picture above. Of course, it's not the first football/Advent calendar crossover...

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December 5, 2009

The Official Sport Is A TV Show World Cup Draw 5-Hour Review Spectacular!


This weekend, following yesterday's World Cup draw, you're going to see a ton of would-be insights from people who have seen, like, six of the teams play since the last tournament, using whatever lame prognosticatory capacities they possess.

I'd hate to buck the trend.

*

GROUP A (The Group of Lady Macbeth)

South Africa
Mexico
Uruguay
France


WE COULD HAVE FINISHED SECOND IN THAT GROUP!

*

GROUP B (Quite Literally The Group of Beth)

Argentina
Nigeria
South Korea
Greece


75% identical in composition to Group D in the 1994 finals. Which makes South Korea this tournament's Bulgaria, Park Ji-Sung the Stoitchkov of the East and Lionel Messi a very naughty boy. (See? This prediction stuff is a cinch.)

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GROUP C (The Group of Meth)

England
USA
Algeria
Slovenia


USA-England: a recently-diagnosed manic depressive versus a lifelong sufferer. The broadcast will end with "If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme..."

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GROUP D (The Group of Math)

Germany
Australia
Serbia
Ghana


Look, Neill fouled Grosso, okay?

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GROUP E (The Group of Heth-Eth-Eth-Eth-Eth, Heth-Eth-Eth-Eth-Eth, Heth-Eth-Eth-Eth-Eth, Sausage Factory)

Holland
Denmark
Japan
Cameroon


"That's just naive defending, Clive."

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GROUP F (The Group of "Eth! There's a Hair on My Tongue!")

Italy
Paraguay
New Zealand
Slovakia


"Miss Montana!"

"A beaut from Butte!"

"Miss South Carolina!"

"Nuthin' could be finer!"

"Miss Delaware!"

"Uh ... Good for her!"

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GROUP G (The Group of Glorious Sacrifice for the Motherland)

Brazil
North Korea
Ivory Coast
Portugal


"So, at half-time it's Ivory Coast leading North Korea by a goal to nil. What effect do you think this will have on England's chances, Alan?"

*

GROUP H (The Group of Bad Breath)

Spain
Switzerland
Honduras
Chile


Sepp Blatter is Swiss. That's all I'm saying.
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December 1, 2009

I'm the joint thirtieth best footballer in Europe!


Hey, look at this — so are you!

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