August 31, 2009

Oh, my poor Lisa


I'm not much of a one for top-five-of-whatever lists. I'm far too scattered of brain, too non-alphabetising of CD collection, too not-giving-a-fuck-who's-the-best-between-Messi-Ronaldo-and-Kaká of disposition to wrestle with chaos in the belief that I can cage it.

Usain Bolt, though. If anything might lure me into ranking the greatest sporting feats I have ever witnessed (albeit second-hand), it would be Bolt's escapades last week. The gradation would be crude, though: one thing in first, the rest nowhere. Like the race at the end of Asterix at the Olympic Games, but inverted.

For what it's worth, I don't think I've seen a sportsperson so spectacularly other. I'm sure some of you may be able to make that claim for Michael Jordan; I'm not qualified to do so. Roger Federer may be so good that he can make it look as if, to quote Simon Barnes as quoted by Mark on these pages last month, "his opponent is in fact co-operating with him", but there have always been Rafa and Roland Garros to remind him he is mortal. Tiger Woods is so other that he has reshaped his sport, but that sport is golf, and spectacular it ain't. Even Michael Johnson, the last athlete to strike me so dumb, took until his thirtieth year to break the 200m world record (and then do this to it). By doing what he did in Beijing last summer at just 21, and surpassing it in Berlin, Bolt gives the appearance (illusory, of course) of having arrived fully-formed as the greatest athlete of all time (an appearance all the more vivid for the fact that he hasn't yet had time to fade away or screw up).

Hey, why am I trying to explain it? If you saw, you know.

And there's a fair chance, too, that if you saw, you doubt. There have been so many incidences of sport telling us to look!, no, really, look!, I swear, I'm being serious this time! that wariness is the reflex for many. Scoop Jackson called this right. Sport can draw us in so deeply that it turns the mere act of watching to see what happens next into an intense emotional investment. When the event is shown to be something else, something other than what it convinced us it was, it feels like a betrayal. One too many of those and you learn to fear.


For others, something else is at work here. It's still fear, but it stems from incomprehension as well as hurt: it is the fear of awe. Perhaps it is a natural instinct, honed by evolution, to respond to something so monumentally novel by simply refusing to believe it. Wherefore, I don't bloody well know. Whatever: it is the mentality that gives us people who would have us believe that cabin crew advise us to cower in the brace position if a crash is imminent so as to ensure our swift deaths. There's an irony in there, somewhere.

It is a desire to rationalise the world: "rationalise" in both the traditional sense and the business-theoretical one, whereby the operation is cut to a desirable size and form — all the better, supposedly, to make it function. It is about making things seem certain, predictable. To borrow from a recent Marina Hyde column on another topic, "they have their foresight, you see, and nothing is more valuable than that".

The Observer's Paul Hayward claimed some sort of high ground for scepticism last weekend. Those below are, apparently, lost in "amnesiac cheerleading". Says Hayward:
The veneration of "greatness" feels, as one gets older, like a faintly childish urge to find someone to worship, when all the shades on the scale between triumph and disaster are usually much more revealing.
On the one hand, he has a point. To see sport only – perhaps even primarily – as a means of creating victor and vanquished is to misrepresent it. The journey can be more interesting than the destination, the loser more interesting than the winner.

On the other hand: what the fuck?



Here's the thing: I can't prove that Bolt is not on drugs. Similarly, you can't prove that he is. Either could be true – though going on what we know, and despite the instinctive suspicion of many, he is more likely to be clean than not. To believe in the untainted veracity of what we see is a leap of faith. But then, to automatically believe in foul play is itself a leap of faith. It may wear the guise of rationalism, but it is no more based on evidential fact than the less sceptical viewpoint.

Jackson gets it as Hayward seems not to. Plagued by doubt over Bolt Jackson may be, but at least it comes from a real engagement with what he watches, from being willing to embrace greatness, from not being numb to it. Hayward approaches it from the opposite direction. "Disbelief must be suspended" – that is, if you don't get what the fuss is about, you have to playact to get a taste. Implicit in the cynicism of Hayward and those like him – and it is cynicism – is the notion that it is foolish to take something like this at face value. But though this purports to reason, as opposed to wishy-washy untestability, it is rooted in timorous mistrust, in giving precedence to the inherent corruptibility of everything. Furthermore, it's unaware of its own nature. It thinks it's the sole stuff of wisdom.


Sometimes, greatness is just greatness, and when you reject this possibility, or deny its value, it barely seems worth following sport – just as to reject the extraordinary in life would be to render it as so much flavourless, inessential slop. And sometimes, greatness is not greatness. It is inarguably dispiriting, even painful, to be let down and proven wrong like that. But there is a truth, and it exists independently of what you think of it. To exist in fear of it is to regard too highly your role in this game. You may think the angel is made of plaster. You may be right. What of it?

I don't begrudge anyone their doubt. No-one wants to be wrong; no-one wants to get hurt. It's just that some things are bigger than that, you know?

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August 25, 2009

Welcome to the daylight at the back of my mind



Webbie at Football & Music has posted some football-related Half Man Half Biscuit goodies on his site today, which are well worth checking out, need it even be emphasised. One could easily dedicate an entire blog to the sporty bits in Half Man Half Biscuit songs. With any luck, Sport Is A TV Show will ascend to such blessed heights one day, right after I've posted my 20,000-word defence of Nicklas Bendtner. (You think I'm joking...)

Given the strife unfolding AS I TYPE at Upton Park, where mummy, mummy, the big boys are fighting!, I thought I might tread on Webbie's toes and enlighten your poor, HMHBless hearts (where applicable) in a topical stylee. Above is the song 'Uffington Wassail'. It's only briefly pertinent to the events in question, admittedly, but it's great. Below is 'Even Men With Steel Hearts', in which the Lads suggest a way in which the trouble could have been avoided. Sing along!

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August 23, 2009

Sixteen possible explanations for the continual failure of American relay teams to avoid disqualification


We're all familiar with the impression that socio-cultural factors have on the way sport is practised in a given country. For instance, the success the Dutch have had in reclaiming land from the North Sea has given their footballers the arrogance which periodically leads to members of the national team not talking to each other, and telling each other they're not talking to each other. And Prof. Sapir-Whorf showed us how language has shaped the playing styles of the world's great footballing nations.

Using this method, and following yet another relay disqualification for the US ― this time for making a changeover outside the designated area ― can we look into the soul of America and figure out what keeps going wrong? Here is some, like, way true stuff about the States which may explain things.

* Imperial arrogance: They feel like they don't have to learn the rules like the rest of us, is that what it is?

* Those damn Frenchies (I): The judge was French! Okay, Belgian. Whatever. Same difference.

* Those damn Frenchies (II): The word 'baton' is French. USA Track & Field petitioned to have the name changed to 'liberty tube', but this was rejected by the IAAF. Now American runners drop the baton once a year in symbolic protest.

* Invasion impulse: They just can't help venturing into other people's lanes.

* Manifest destiny: Moreover, it is the right and duty of every American to venture into other people's lanes.

* Wanton abuse of the English language: If they can't educate themselves to speak the Queen's English, how can they be expected to carry a stick around a running track? Why can't they just leave it be? Stop being so innovative!

* They're just too damn fast to get the changeover right: That'll be the steroids.

* Americans are all, like, soooooo fat: Their chubby digits can't grip the baton properly.

* Some of the athletes probably come from the Deep South: So they probably lack opposable thumbs, if you know what I mean! You know, on account of them sticking to their own? Know what I mean? Eh? Eh?...What do you mean, "are you Marcus Brigstocke?"? I really don't know what you're talking about...Okay, here's a joke about Lily Allen. Ready? (Clears throat) I'd like to punch Lily Allen right in her stupid face! Well? What did you think of― Hey! Come back...

* Lack of compulsory health insurance: The athletes can't run in a straight line, what with their rickets and all.

* All that "teamwork" and passing the baton from person to person: Doesn't that seem a bit commie to you?

* The athletes are sick of hearing the national anthem so many times already during the week: That'll be the steroids.

* All the times American teams did manage to avoid disqualification were faked in a Hollywood backlot: Before every championship, USA Track & Field try to get the organisers to run their fake footage instead of the real thing. This year, the Germans refused, in retaliation for the cancellation of NFL Europa. They loved that thing.

* Americans are all, like, soooooo stoopid: Duh.

* Karma: It's "football", you idiots!

* George W. Bush: HAHAHA HE TALKS FUNNY WOT A TOOL LOLZ
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August 20, 2009

How not to blog about sport

But Fred, football is about so much more than just goals, you know. By highlighting these wonderful strikes from the last few days, aren't you detracting from the essential beauty of the game? It's not as if you haven't bleated about this kind of thing before, is it?

Firstly, it's "blogged", not "bleated". And secondly, well, um, maybe, I dunno, y'see, it's just that these goals caught my eye and I thought that I might, y'know, show my appreciation by pos―

But Fred, isn't it somewhat foolish to post these after Usain Bolt ran that divine 200m? You know the one I'm talking about, don't you? The one which pretty much renders all sport meaningless until such time as He decides to grace us with His glory once more? The one which makes these goals, fine as they may be, look like gaunt urchins riddled with consumption? The one which made you pledge your immortal soul to Him but a few hours ago?

Um, ah, well, when you put it like that, I suppose, but, look, see, I still think they merit some atten―

But Fred, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that you intended to post these earlier in the day, during that sliver of time between their occurrence and the time they became totally, incontrovertibly irrelevant, but instead allowed laziness to overtake you, thus making this post seem ― well, seem like a gaunt urchin riddled with consumption. Would I be wrong?

...




(The second and third goals here.)



(Pretty much all of Defoe's goals, plus Keane's header. And Hunt's free kick, natch.)





All clips via 101 Great Goals.

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USAIN BOLT IS YOUR GOD

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August 19, 2009

Tonight on BBC Two



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August 18, 2009

Symptoms of approaching lightspeed


I know this blog can get dreadfully solipsistic at times, so, like, y'know, sorry, whatever, shut up.

I know when I've seen a great moment in sport because I laugh. And I do mean "moment" here: it doesn't happen when I see, for instance, Alberto Contador repel attack after attack apparently so comfortably it looks eerie, or when Roger Federer and Andy Roddick give two of the greatest ever displays of serving, or when the horse I've backed in the Grand National runs a masterful four-and-a-half miles, staying near the head of the race but on the fringe of the pack, out of trouble, before surging to a glorious victory (thank you always, Comply Or Die).


No, it has to be something extraordinary and suddenly climactic. Like a joke, in fact. Not that I'm a neuroscientist, exactly (or even approximately), but I can well imagine the two experiences sharing some circuitry. They are structurally similar: a build-up which may or not resolve in a way that may or may not be strong. Football is great for this type of thing. You watch a game in the knowledge that you may not see a single goal, so when there is a goal, it has weight. And it rarely comes from just nothing: it is usually preceded by the anticipation that comes with a build-up of some sort. Most of these build-ups yield nothing, but some bring resolution. And some of these resolutions are so exceptional to the exceptional that they take you utterly aback and move you to respond in an unusual way. They are brilliant punchlines.


The YES I'M DAMN WELL GOING TO MENTION IT AGAIN Wimbledon final of last year seemingly had the best of all brilliances. As well as being one of the few matches that genuinely deserved to be called epic, it contained moments of such audacity that, even though you knew a point was, by definition, going to result from the rally, you were moved to awe – and me to laughter. Not big belly laughs, granted, but happy, disbelieving laughs that were nonetheless real for that.


But I now have a new sign of greatness to look out for: falling off the couch, instinctively clasping my hand to my mouth and saying in a – get this – totally non-ironic way: "Oh. My. God." Repeat: non-ironic. Thus dawns the post-post-post-post-modern age.

(Wait — is it the post-post-post-post-post-modern age? I can never remember.)

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August 16, 2009

(...)


That is the greatest thing I have seen in my entire fucking life.

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Help me out here

During yesterday's game against Hull City, some Chelsea fans displayed a banner reading "Money can't buy everything", in relation to Manchester City's failed bid to sign John Terry.

Is this a remarkable lack of self-awareness or just remarkable self-awareness?

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August 15, 2009

Approaching lightspeed



It's not that I'm not looking forward to the beginning of the Premier League. But if I had to pick just one sporting event to watch this weekend, it would be the men's 100m final at the World Athletics Championships in Berlin on Sunday. The football's great and all, but it's just beginning, and it's not going to blow any minds. Well, Andrey Arshavin might. But you get my point.

In honour of one potentially mind-blowing track & field occasion, here, thanks to the blessed soul who posted it on YouTube, is the ultimate brain-shatterer. The Guardian's blog correctly called the 1991 long jump final "the greatest moment in World Championships history". It's even more than that: it is one of the greatest sporting contests of all time. The jumpers are Carl Lewis and Mike Powell, and if this doesn't stir your sports-loving soul ... well, it's been nice knowing you.

Some small points:

* Few long-jumpers ever manage to get close to these distances. I'm not particularly fond of Lewis, but for him to make four 8.80m-plus jumps in one final is astonishing. Hey, for Powell, or anyone, to make that jump just once is astonishing.

* If you're as thrown by seeing athletics measurements in imperial form as I am (was it some retro thing?), the metric numbers are here.

* For a 6-2 non-basketball player, Powell could really dunk.

* Not to oversell it to those of you who may not have seen it, but: This. Is. Fucking. Glorious.

Below (even though it says "part 2") is the first part. Thanks to the pain-in-the-arse YouTube "embedding disabled" feature, you'll have to go here for the second part (the really good one). The final part is here.

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August 14, 2009

Vincent Cassel's got range

From Philippe Senderos...


...to Phil Brown.

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August 10, 2009

Damn United: The Official 2009/10 Sport Is A TV Show Premier League Preview


Finally. The wait is almost over. Saturday sees the return of possibly the greatest thing sport — nay, life — has to offer: top-class action from the best of the best, piped directly into our homes for our delectation. This is it, my friends.

But the World Athletics Championships are not the only event to begin this weekend. Did you know that the Premier League kicks off as well? No, me neither! Kind of crept up on us, hasn't it? You'd think there'd be more fuss.

Such an occasion deserves a half-assed preview of some sort. But seeing as everyone else already has one of those, we've decided to go full-assed on this one. We've called in a favour (don't ask) and got David Peace, acclaimed author of The Damned United, to supply us with some prognosticatory vignettes from within his shiny cranium. Stay safe, kidda.





*

F. Fulham. F for Fulham. F-in' Fulham. One F in Fulham. One F in Fulham, one F-in' hope: that they don't get distracted by the Europa League.

*

One miss. One fucking miss. Just one fucking miss. One miss, six bloody yards out. Six yards out and six fucking feet wide. Not like my day. Not like me. I would have buried it, I would, fucking buried it. Not him, though. Not today. Today it's printed on this form, on this fucking P45. Printed in ink. Printed in black ink.

Like black gold oozing through the Arabian sands.

Six yards. Six feet. All printed here on this form. Black ink, seeping through this piece of paper.

Like black gold seeping through the Arabian rock.

Rock. Bloody rock. Bloody Roque bloody Santa bloody Cruz.

*



*

Almunia to Gallas. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie to Fàbregas. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie to Fàbregas to Bendtner. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie to Fàbregas to Bendtner to Walcott. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie to Fàbregas to Bendtner to Walcott to Diaby. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie to Fàbregas to Bendtner to Walcott to Diaby to Bendtner. Almunia to Gallas to Clichy to Diaby to Vermaelen to Fàbregas to Nasri to Fàbregas to Song to Walcott to van Persie to Fàbregas to Bendtner to Walcott to Diaby to Bendtner to Nasri...

*

I am Phil Brown. I am Hull City. Phil Brown is Hull City. Hull City are the Tigers. Phil Brown is the Tigers. Phil Brown is Phil Brown. Phil Brown is Phil Brown is the Tigers. Hear me roar. Hear Phil Brown fucking roar.

*



*

Into the office. The empty desk. The empty chair. José's office. José's desk. José's chair.

'Any chance of a cup of coffee, er...?'

'Samantha. Of course, Mr. Ancelotti. I'll see to it.'

'Thank you. Pleased to meet you, by the way.'

I take off my jacket. I put it on the back of the chair. His chair. I sit down in the chair behind the desk. His desk. I put my feet up on the desk —

His chair. His desk. His office. His secretary —

I knock on the desk. José's desk. I ask, 'Whose desk is this, Samantha?'

'It's yours now.'

'Whose was this desk?'

'Mr. Mourinho's. He chose it himself. Why — do you want rid of it? We can have a new one ordered if —'

'No no no, not at all. Get rid of a fine piece of furniture like this? What is it — mahogany?'

'I believe so, yes. A real antique, Mr. Mourinho said.'

'No, it's beautiful. A real piece of craftsmanship. Very stylish. Be a terrible shame to throw it out. José does have very good taste, doesn't he?'

'That's true, Mr. Ancelotti, very true. Funny, the men who came here after him, as boss, like, they never really liked this desk. Or this office, for that matter. They wouldn't even look at it. They'd go the long way round the building just to avoid being near it. Almost as if they knew —'

I open the drawer in the desk. There's a book, a big book, a black book. On the front, in big letters, it reads:

MY SECRET DOSSIERS
INC. ENEMY LISTS
DO NOT READ
J.M.

'Here, Samantha, I think this must belong to José. He must have left it behind when he moved. See that it gets to him, won't you? And don't look inside — it all seems pretty top secret. It would be quite wrong to sneak a look.'

'Of course, Mr. Ancelotti.'

I'm sat in that office. José's office. In that chair. José's chair. Behind that desk. José's desk. Today's La Stampa in one hand. For the business pages. A cup of coffee in the other. Because I like coffee.

'You know, Samantha, I think I'm going to like it here.'

'Oh?' She sounds surprised.

'Well, I mean, if I lasted eight years with my crazy friend Silvio, how hard could this be?'

Samantha smiles weakly. She says nothing and leaves the office.

*



*

He's missed. He's facking missed. He's only gone and facking missed. Gone and facking missed again. Gone and facking missed a-facking-gain.

Hurry down, solstice.

Can't believe he's missed. Can't believe he's facking gone and missed. I could have facking scored from there. I could have facking scored from here. Our Jamie's bird could have facking scored in her facking high heels and carrying that facking Nintendo remote.

Hurry down, new year.

Facking missed. Facking facking missed. He's finished. Facking finished. Wait till I get him in the dressing room. Wait till I get him in the dresing room and tell him he's facking finished. Wait till I tell him he's out on his arse. Wait till the tranfer window opens. Wait till it opens and I can show him who's boss. Wait till it opens and I can show everyone who's facking boss.

Hurry down, solstice. Hurry down, new year. Hurry down, January. January, when dark becomes light. When boys become men. When princes become kings. When demons become devils.

*

Into Ewood Park. Up the corridor. Round the corner. Down the next corridor. Round the next corner. Dark. Up the corridor. Round the corner. Darker. Down the stairs. Down the stairs. Down the stairs. Darker. Darker. Darker. Massive blow to the stomach. Twelfth.

*



*

Your parents are out, out of the house, out of the house doing something that you don't know what it is they are doing. You are alone. You go to the fridge. There it is. It is there. Three bottles of Coke. Three full bottles. Cola. Coca-Cola. You get a bottle out. To quench the thirst. You unscrew the cap. To see the bubbles. You take a huge slug. To feel the bubbles go up your nose. You drink some more. You drink some more. You get another bottle out and you drink some more and more and more. Coca-Cola. Cocococococococococococococococa-Colalalalalalala. COKEY WOKEY HOKEY COKEY COCO POPS. You get the Coco Pops out. You pile some into a bowl, a great big bowl, a great big blimmin' pile. You pour some coke over them. You eat it. You drink it. You eat and drink it all. You go to do it again. The coke is all gone. Six litres. Six flippin' litres. You take the bowl and you smash it against the kitchen wall. Because you can. You take a glass from the draining board and smash it against the kitchen wall. Because it's fun. You go to the cupboard. You go to the cupboard. You go to the cupboard and you take out a big pile of plates. You take out a big pile of plates and you frisbee them against the kitchen wall. Swoosh. Smash. Swoosh. Smash. Swoosh. Smash. Swoosh. Smash. You frisbee them against the wall and you laugh. You laugh and laugh and laugh.

No coke. No coke. But there's coffee. But I'm not allowed.
Says who? Espresso. Double espresso. Triple espresso. FOURPLE EXXSSSSSSSPRESSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The cat walks in. You are the best footballer in the school. You are the best footballer in the world. The cat is a football. You dribble the cat. You dribble the cat into the sitting room. You kick the cat into the fireplace. GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL. You are Pelé. You are Gazza. Gazzery Gazzygazz Gascoigneywoignyboingyboingy. You jump on the settee. You bounce on the settee. Boing boing boingy blimmin' boing. You break the settee. You break the armchair. You break the carriage clock. You break the door with your head.

A noise at the front door.

'WAYNE! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!? I'm not standing for any more of this. Get to your room before I strangle you with me bare hands!'

'But Mum! What did I do? What?! I wanna watch go go power rangers! I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna! You're stupid! I hate you! I hate you!'

You take a swipe at a doily on your way out.


*



*

Cruuuuuuuuunch. The sound of Lee Bowyer's boot going right through the lad's shinbone. Cruuuuuuuuunch. Makes you sick in your fucking stomach. Craaaaaaaack. That's the lad's ribcage under the force of Lee's studs. Craaaaaaaack. The lad's just lying there, just fucking lying there. Smaaaaaaaash. The sound of Lee's fist punching a hole in the centre of the lad's chest. Riiiiiiiiiip. That's Lee pulling the lad's heart out. He putting it in his mouth. Lee is eating the heart, eating the lad's heart. The lad's lying there, just fucking lying there. Makes you sick. Makes you want to puke. The ref's run over and shown Lee the red card. Red mist, red card. Red card, crimson card. Crimson card for the crimson stain in the centre circle. The circle of life. Circle of life, circle of death. The bill are here now. PC Plod, plod-plod-plodding along. Plodding right into Lee's switchblade. Squiiiiiiiish. Takes a dozen, two dozen, half-a-dozen dozen bullets to bring Lee down. Thuuuuuuuuuuud.

They're waiting for me. Waiting with their pens and notebooks. Waiting with their notebooks and dictaphones, their dictaphones and microphones, their microphones and their fucking cameras. I know the drill though. I've been here before.

'To be honest, ah don't even think he should have been booked...'

*

'...and there's only one place to start this evening, with that extraordinary title decider at Anfield...'

Facts. The facts. Just facts.

'...sensational defeat which shatters Liverpool's title dreams...'

Just facts. Only facts. All facts.

'...to add insult to injury, Sir Alex Ferguson noted that the stupid beard Benítez has taken to wearing these past few years makes him look like Max from Phoenix Nights...'

Facts. Facts. These are facts.

*

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August 9, 2009

I'm sold

I'll not lie to you: I'm deeply, deeply ashamed that I didn't know about these until now.

From La Liga Loca the other day:

One of these scenarios has never been used by Getafe as part of an advertising campaign to boost season ticket sales ahead of a new campaign. Three of them have.

a) A teenage boy changes into his transvestite alter ego while his dad watches in the background. “My father’s proud of me. I’m a Getafe fan,” he says.

b) A pot-bellied Madrid taxi-driver type sits in the stands at Getafe’s Coliseum stadium while two blonde lap-dancers bump-and-grind over him as a match takes place below. “Life doesn’t get any better than this,” he grins.

c) A series of religious figures including Joan of Arc, Moses and Jesus give up their spiritual paths and turn their back on God to become Getafe fans.

d) A despondent looking man in his dressing grown gives birth to an egg. Out of the egg jumps a dwarf dressed in a muscle suit. The tiny person then proceeds to leap around in a feverish, excitable manner.

The odd one out is answer b) - although the idea is probably being lined up for next summer.
I give you:





More after the jump. Much more.









Getafe: I bloody love you.
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August 5, 2009

Soccer Goal! A Friendly Introduction to Major League Soccer

Guest post time! Richard Whittall lives in Toronto, and when he's not stalking James Richardson or "sing[ing] like a girl for cash", he's writing the excellent blog A More Splendid Life. Here, he gives those of us on the wrong side of the Pond the lowdown on the soccer sensation that's soon to land on our shores and seduce our womenfolk with chocolate and nylons.


ESPN has recently announced it will be airing live Major League Soccer games in the UK and Ireland. In an effort to promote understanding between European and American soccer, MLS chairman Don Garber has appointed several goodwill ambassadors to introduce the complicated league rules and American soccer culture to British and Irish audiences. This is part one of a thirty-part series.

Hi, my name is Richard Whittall and I’m an official ambassador for Major League Soccer. Major League WHAT!? you ask? Don't worry, it’s not some sort of crazy nightmare, the kind that makes you wake up so drenched in sweat you worry you might have gone to the bathroom in your sleep. No, It’s Olde Europe soccer with an American twist, like a croissant with a hotdog in the center wrapped in a Twinkie and covered with grits, and it’s coming to the United Kingdom of the British Isles. But wait, you ask in all seriousness: just what the hell is MLS exactly? Well rather than tell you, how about I show you?


Woaahhh! Howdy partner, we’re in Dallas, Texas! I’d like you to meet my All-American soccerball kicking friend Kenny Cooper. Kenny plays for FC Dal—wait, hold on. Okay, I’m being told Kenny isn't here because he's just signed for a German club named TSV 1860 Munich. I don’t know much about them but I suspect Kenny joined the team because they were founded to commemorate the start of the American Civil War. Although they’re a year off. Must be the time difference. And TSV probably stands for telesoccervision. Germans love their telesoccervision.


Well…hmm, okay, maybe we can just relocate this thing to Seattle, get that Freddy Montero kid on. Wait, he's leaving MLS too? Seriously, this season? So what am I supposed to do here Frank? This should have been worked out weeks ago. Well, I don’t care, this job doesn’t pay anything anyway. And I am going to write off the white wine spritzers. Because I thought they were complimentary on every Southwest flight. Yeah, well screw you too.

Okay, so in America (and in America’s Hat), soccer is a game played between two teams of eleven dudes each, much like your own Royalist Foot of the Ball. Our fans are a lot like your fans, except you have scarves and concealed whiskey bottles, and we have baseball caps and children. And our league predictability is like your league predictability, except your big clubs finish in the top four while our big clubs lose to second division USL teams. So a lot of similarities there.

But it's our rich cultural differences that make the world a beautiful place. Like for example in the Premier League, you stop the advertising buck at shirt sponsorship. In America, we sponsor things like added time. It’s Four Minutes of Esquire Added Time at the end of the ninety bitches, and if you call the ref on his Mickey Mouse watch, chances are you’ll get a ESQ Oceania Two-tone Steel Black Men's Watch whipped in your face. Don’t worry though; he’s got twenty more where that came from.


Also, team names. Lots of English Subjects get their pants in a twist on the subject of names like the Seattle Sounders and the Pittsburgh Petunias. Well, we’re natural born poets over here. And for those cities that we couldn’t think up names for, Toronto, Dallas, Washington DC, well, they’re just too beautiful to sum up in an alliterative, shirt-friendly moniker.

And no, we don’t have lasers or dragons in MLS, so you can ignore all those rumours about the high rate of blindings and third degree burns among regular starters. And that’s all you need to know about MLS. Wait, twenty-nine more parts? No Frank, I don’t want to talk about the two-division league playoff system. Because I don’t understand it. What’s a league revenue sharing salary cap system? I can’t talk about DPs, this is a family-friendly show. Ohhh, Designated Players. Because I don’t know what that means Frank. Please, put the bat down. This is Dallas, no one’s going to call for help if you do this to me.

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August 3, 2009

All virgins are liars, honey: two


"And we are not allowed to spend as we are told that this is the end..."

Money. Part two of two. Part one here.


And what of the particular kerb-crawler in whose vehicle Adebayor is currently rifling through his handbag?

Manchester City have been the subject of derision and scorn since they got plugged directly into the Emirati national grid. Those players who have subscribed to the project, as Garry Cook has surely called it at some point, are laughed at for telling us that they did so out of ambition. The cynicism is justified, in part: why do so few players (Adebayor is at least a pioneer of sorts) just come out and say they're in it for the money? (But we know the answer to that: because they would be excoriated.) But to believe that City's ideas are necessarily above their station (I mean, they finished tenth last season. Tenth! Pfah!) is to ignore two things.

Firstly: spending a lot of money is a pretty neat way to get good. The translation between wealth and success is notably efficient in soccer; Moneyball it ain't. And while reputation and honours talk, so does money (with a potty mouth, maybe, but still).

Secondly: City may not currently have the prestige to attract all of the kind of players they have been seeking; but the point is that they don't yet have such prestige. It would start to come with success: with breaking into the top four, with shaking the establishment. City's grander transfer bids may have been follies, but they may not ultimately have spelt failure. They may still have amassed enough talent to make a dent.


This is no mere insolent speculation on my part. We had definitive proof last weekend from Alex Ferguson. As usual with Sralex, it wasn't so much what he said as what he didn't say that told the tale. His words were reminiscent of the comment by a North Korean official last week in response to Hillary Clinton's claim that the country had "no friends left" in the international community:
Her words suggest that she is by no means intelligent [...] Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping. Anyone making misstatements has to pay for them.
One does not need the truth spelled out here, I trust.


It's the apparent vulgarity of City's approach that disquiets so many. It's interesting that even though there is general agreement that the radical stratification the top of English football has undergone is undesirable, there still exists a certain resistance to efforts to smash it. A resistance to the wrong sort of effort, that is. Everton, for instance, are going about things the right way: with prudence, by paying their dues. Of course, it is a rather easy policy to follow when you don't have the means to do otherwise. (Maybe they would reject an ADUG-type approach. Who knows?)

But City's method, their (the irony) Dubai-esque proclivity for grandiose statements of intent, for commissioning unignorable status symbols (and even the failed bids were status symbols), is all a bit gaudy — very nouveau riche. But nouveau riche is still riche. City are basically doing what big teams do, except that their giddy inexperience has led them to chase uncatchable quarry and make themselves occasionally look somewhat foolish. Anyway, the Premier League's engine is its artificial economy, and this, coupled with the not dissimilarly-ring-fenced Champions League, have given it plenty of cocaine confidence, the compelling urge to triumphantly compare penis sizes. The City plan is a suitably artificial — tacky, if you like — response to this. It is not an aberration: it is the very stuff of calcio moderno al inglese, the product whose shapely assets and pert TV deals have the rest of football wondering whether they too should go get themselves sliced up.


City fans seem fine about all this — for now, at any rate, when dreams can still be dreams. How things would be if all this upheaval wound up yielding nothing is, one suspects, quite different: the guilt-ridden burning of tea-towels in the streets of Manchester, no doubt. What if it is a success, though? Forget about the outsiders' view of the club for now — how would the fans feel about the club, about themselves?

Certainly, fans of Chelsea Autonomous Okrug appear to have few qualms about their situation. The patrons of this football-related subsidiary of a large energy concern are famous for their club song "Uncle Vlad, Best Friend of All Sportsmen", and they delight in waving sushi and plastic replica ice-picks in the direction of opposing supporters. Suggest a reversion to their pre-Year Zero standing and they would stare at you, befuddled, struggling to compute your words.


Or, if I may, here is an example from nearer home. Drogheda United were the definition of mediocrity in Irish football. For years, while Dundalk, their rivals from the opposite end of County Louth, were doing stuff like winning trophies and playing in Europe, Drogheda were doing nothing much of anything. Yes, there were two FAI Cup final appearances, a League Cup win and a second-place league finish (the outcome of their consequent venture into the UEFA Cup will go diplomatically unmentioned here). But their league history is more accurately characterised by the fact that since the League of Ireland introduced a second tier in 1985, Drogheda have moved between the divisions eleven times. In one spell, they enjoyed and endured seven consecutive promotions and relegations — almost a world record.

In the oughts, things changed. The club, in a perilous financial state, was taken over and the new board sank big money into the team. Their wage bill swelled as they went full-time and bought players they could not have dreamt of signing before. And, verily, Drogheda got good. They became resident in the top half of the Premier Division table. In 2005, they won the FAI Cup — their first major honour (if you don't count the League Cup. Few do.). They won a pair of Setanta Cups, and in 2007, they won the league. In last season's Champions League, they came closer than this close to eliminating Dynamo Kiev in the second qualifying round — the same Dynamo who would beat Spartak Moscow 4-1 and 4-1 in the third round, the same Dynamo who would make the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup. It would have been the greatest ever result for an Irish club.

(All the while, Dundalk were in Division One, suffering the worst era in their history. Also, penguins flew from Dublin Zoo, the sky became the sea, the sea the sky, etc.)


Throughout, and despite a hike in the price of admission, attendances soared. More than that: the town took the club to its heart like never before. The first team squad was bloated and paid more than was economically reasonable. All the players had been brought in from outside; there was not a single local player involved, and upward mobility from the under-21s, which did contain locals, was non-existent. Yet the club now became a core part of the town's identity through the success of a squad constructed for no reason other than to win.

Towards the end of the 2008 season, the owners pulled out: their hoped-for All-Ireland league had failed to materialise, and their plans for a new out-of-town stadium had been abandoned after Meath County Council re-zoned the land it was set to occupy. Suddenly, Drogheda were left with a big, expensive squad and no money to pay them. The players dispersed at season's end, free agents the lot. Examiners took over the running of the club, which faced imminent extinction should they be unable to pay off the enormous debt they had accrued.


Then, in a way that would have been unthinkable even ten years ago, the town rallied round and raised enough money to stave off extinction; their High Court triumph was as thrilling as any they had met on the field. It was a small miracle.

Now, Drogheda have an entirely new squad and are looking to avoid relegation to the netherworld of the First Division. They have reverted to semi-professionalism, their wage bill an eighth of what it was last year. They are not assured of their survival yet: they are a League of Ireland team not a team at the top of one of the big leagues, after all. Drogheda lived the dream; in doing so, they found their soul and nearly — still might have — brought about their own demise.

So: what about City?

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August 2, 2009

All virgins are liars, honey: one


Money. Part one of two. Part two here.

It's easy to climb a tree and fling shit at the vehicles of innocent safari park patrons when you're talking about someone on a team you don't support. But sometimes one must retreat to the makeshift, galvanise-roofed hut provided and cogitate on some home truths. So let's provide some basic materials and see if any monkey fashions some rudimentary ant-harvesting implements from them.

There isn't a great deal of sadness in Arsenalistic parts about Emmanuel Adebayor's departure for the oil-fields of Manchester. The Farewell Committee has even produced a commemorative pamphlet. He's gone, and now we can happy again.

But, but, but: the mockery of Nicklas Bendtner may be grossly disproportionate, he said guiltily, but he's not (yet?) of Adebayor's class; no-one truly knows how good Eduardo can be; as much as I love Robin van Persie, I'm a touch (just a touch, mind you) sceptical as to how well he can lead the line consistently all season (even without taking into account the delicacy of his physique); Arsène Wenger is hinting at a move for [insert name of continental one-season wonder here], but for all that Wenger's touch in the transfer market is celebrated, he's also the manager who sanctioned the purchases of Franny Jeffers and José Antonio Reyes.


This is the pessimistic reading, of course, but it bears bearing in mind. The feeling of relief at the end of the saga — the Simple English version of the Cristiano Ronaldo rumour thread — has coloured the perception of the deal. "An indulgence has been craved and answered", as Yogi's Warrior of Arsenal blog A Cultured Left Foot notes, and the we'll-be-fine sentiment that seems to inevitably follow the good-riddances is a lot less neat than is being admitted.

Think back to 2007. By then, Arsenal's game had come to revolve so much around Thierry Henry that his departure left a yawning uncertainty as to how the team should proceed. That the new, Henryless Arsenal did so well the following season was seen as the result of a feeling of liberation. But it was more like refreshment, rejuvenation. The focus merely shifted from Henry to Adebayor, except that the Adebayorcentricism facilitated a greater cohesion in attack. Not only did his marksmanship lead directly to a pile of goals, but his intelligence and (yes!) unselfishness marked him out as the fulcrum of the attack, around which the team could more effectively move. Arsenal could not have come so close to winning the title (four bloody points...) without Adebayor.


For evidence of how difficult things might be for Arsenal, just remember last season. Adebayor spiritually left the club last summer, after all, and though this was far from the sole cause of Arsenal's purgatorial year, the entry wound was visible to all. Adebayor may not have defined the team as much as Henry did, but he burned so brightly for that one term that the sudden power cut is taking some adjustment. At least he gave the club a year's notice. Credit where it's due.

A large, and largely unspoken (maybe because I'm the only one who feels it, I don't know) reason for Arsenal fans to feel miffed at this story and glad for its passing is that it's not the first time it's happened. Not to go all Banderas-eyes on you, but Patrick Vieira seemed to take several years to leave, and Henry-to-whoever stories were go-to pieces for eager editors for a good while before he finally moved on. Perhaps we should be merciful that it only took Adebayor twelve months to go.


A somewhat easier way to parse this and almost every other transaction between the great and noble institutions of Ours, the Most Beautiful of All Games, is to invoke Mammon. Certainly, Adebayor's wheelings and, finally, dealings have been fuel for the to-hell-in-a-Bentley set. Eyebrows merged with fringes as he asked City for some time to consider the effect the move would have on the opinions of his fellow Togolese. Some sensed that he was holding out for a move south. Maybe so. In any case, it difficult to imagine that he could be anything but vividly aware of his fame and the effect it has on his compatriots. Adebayor is virtually synonymous with Togo; there are few of us, I trust, who share such a distinction, who can presume what it must be like.

Furthermore — forgive my liberal guilt — I, as a white western male aged 18-40 who had a happy, safe and comfortable upbringing and am, therefore, one of the most privileged people in the history of humanity, am in no position to lecture somebody whose talent has earned him a passage to the good life.


That said, he may just be a dickhead. But that said, it doesn't take such a special example as Adebayor to see in this case the broader issue: that football is a business these days, as we are periodically reminded, like the stupid children we are. It is, of course, a half-truth that so many of those in charge of the game recite as if it was dictated by the big CEO in the sky himself. But though its repeated incantation may often be distasteful and misdirecting (sport is never just a business), it is nonetheless real for that.

"Mercenary" is invariably used pejoratively. But in a profession whose span is necessarily short, in which an injury or a manager who doesn't like your face or some other mini-stroke of misfortune can do for you in a second, which often ultimately regards you as an asset of uncertain value which will be squeezed out of you before your being discarded like month-old milk — in such a profession, playing primarily, maybe even only, for the alighty ollar* is a perfectly legitimate way to conduct oneself. True loyalty is an exchange, not theft. The reality is that the issue is far more complex, far more human, than is sometimes allowed for.

*Aside: Do you think there will come a time when Simpsons references are as old hat as, say, Goons ones? Would we want to live in a world like that?


One frequently detects a strain of nostalgia for the days when players were decent and when loyalty was not a dirty word. But for one thing, mercenariness has always been there; it is not merely a trait of these days. The early Lancastrian pioneers of professional football, including the Preston North End 'Invincibles', were full of Scots. Quoth one of their number, Burnley's James Lang: "[I] hadn't crossed the border to play for nothing". In England, loyalty was something foisted upon a player. The retain-and-transfer system, wounded by George Eastham and not mortally injured until Jean-Marc Bosman attacked, institutionalised serfdom: a fearful, monopolistic greed which described itself (with some justification) as egalitarianism and (with less justification) as a kind of benevolent paternalism. Tom Finney, for instance, played his entire career at Preston because of an undeniable love for the club and because the board denied him the chance to sign a hugely lucrative deal with Palermo. Finney had no comeback. No player did.

Take a more modern example: Steven Gerrard, who some would have us believe is the pure spirit in earthly form. That he decided to stay at Liverpool when Chelsea offered so much (in money and sporting opportunity) says a huge amount about the man. That he came so close to moving to Chelsea says plenty too. Also, much of the commentary on the retirement of Paolo Maldini used his singular commitment to Milan as a stick with which to beat the rest of the game. In fact, he was an anomaly — an edifying anomaly, but still an anomaly. What he was not was a beacon of purity in a world of irredeemable decay.

(Maldini, we all remember, played for Milan in return for nothing more than spiritual nourishment and a hamper from Signor Berlusconi at Christmas.)


Mercenariness is usually decried as an abomination. But few are those who believe this with absolute conviction. Mercenariness and glory-chasing are inevitable by-products of professionalism, and while they may not be doused in wholly holy wholesomeness, they are potentially useful and productive. It is rare for a team to solely comprise those pure of motive and deed. Success is achieved by harnessing the disparate — the human — ambitions and aptitudes of a group of individuals. That last part, individuals, is especially relevant in elite professional football, its riches centripetally attracting the best talent from everywhere and concentrating it in a small number of hubs.

And fans accept all this. Fan mythology may be based on tribalistic territorialism, on lifelong fidelity and devotion above all, but no-one is averse to a bit of success. If it takes profitable investment from without to boost prosperity within, if it takes the construction of a Guggenheim (if it's not pushing irony too far to use an example pertaining to Bilbao), so be it. Fandom is a compromise. And fans — who arguably, as a whole, are the group most closely in touch with what we will call, for convenience's sake, the soul of the game — are the group with the least direct control over it.

Any reasonable assessment of Adebayor by an Arsenal fan must acknowledge what he brought to the team — something which is, perhaps, less starkly apparent for Arsenal's failure to win the league in 2008. (Personally, I'll remember with particular fondness two of his goals, two of the finest scored by anyone anywhere this past couple of seasons: one in a derby, the other in a Champions League quarter-final.) It must also be acknowledged that the cause to which he was devoted was not — not entirely — the same as that to which the fans were. In a sense, Arsenal have reaped what they sowed when they signed him and capitalised on his ambition. Indeed, it is difficult for any club to complain too much in similar circumstances, given how routinely they buy off whatever version of loyalty players may have for their current clubs. (And the bigger the club, the easier it is for them to buy off said loyalty, and the more difficult it is to sympathise with them when they get bitten.)


The thing is, however malleable the piety of football fans, they are not stupid; they know how things work. Adebayor mocked this. He mocked the relative powerlessness of the fans when he would show a bit of leg to anyone who looked at him; he mocked their understanding of the way of things by pleading innocence; he mocked what power fans actually do possess when he accused them of, by voicing their displeasure at his behaviour, unduly discouraging him and the team. He has been honest about how the terms City offered turned his head; to cite other motivations is...what, exactly? Naive? An established international footballer, with many years' experience in some of Europe's top leagues — naive?

Perhaps the less charitable interpretation would be more apt: that Adebayor is the incarnation of Disingenuos, the god of taking the piss.

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