24 August 2008

Sky blue thinking

(I know I robbed the title from the Times; just don't tell them, yeah?)

Via twohundredpercent comes word of Manchester City executive chairman Garry Cook's fascinating insight into the workings of the Premier League's brains (sic) trust (sic). The full account (here, here and here) - presumably given by Cook unaware that all those gentlemen sitting around and pointing dictaphones at him were journalists on national publications, with websites - includes the revelation that Thaksin Shinawatra is "a great guy to play golf with," his belief that the top flight should be reduced to between ten and fourteen clubs with no relegation, and the despairing conversations with Richard Scudamore about the difficulties of "maximising the central entity of the Premier League" ("He rolls his eyes and says, 'If only we would'").

It's not hard to see where this will go, and the tough questions that Mark Hughes' successor (you know it) will have to face around five-ish some Saturday afternoon next April...


Yet another defeat - that's twelve in a row now. What went wrong out there?

The arbitrational matrix appeared to be malfunctioning, but as a solitary systemic-dependent achievement cell, it would financially disadvantage us were we to transition our cerebralisational emotioning pattern into a verbalised emission statement, so I'll say no more on that.

You seemed to find it tough to get to grips with the formation of your opponents.

Our competitors deployed a risk-minimalisation triad in front of their firewalling node and it was difficult for our goal-facilitation unit to gain any traction in vital market sectors. It's difficult to leverage a task-directioning strategy into a favourable safety outcome at this level.

You appeared to rally after half-time. There must have been some angry words spoken in the dressing room.

There's only so many times you can pro-activate your teacup's action parabola against the war-room wall. I just said, okay, let's leave this baby out in a wood and see if it gets adopted by a pack of wolves, and gave them the 911. I told them that losers choose to lose and that it was time to wake up and smell the Chanel. I was happy with their initial third-quarter output but it went Mexico-way after the deficit mismanagement.

That fifth goal was a real comedy of errors. Why is this defence so bad at the moment?

We don't go in for blamestorming. We're just going to gather as a streamlined tiger team and establish our nodules of fallibilitilisation and head them off at the mini-roundabout. We've already pushed the envelope - now it's time to hijack the postman's van and steer it down the embankment.

You're in real peril now: out of both cups and deep in the relegation mire. For an ambitious club, this must be hard to take.

The metrics on our ground-troop production may look dropsied, but our aspiration credo commits us to exploring by-ways by which we can configure a non-kinetic ring-fencing orientation among our network of fellow bleeding-edgers. We aim to eliminate vertical interactivity while enabling complete horizontal coalescence, giving us access to vital overseas mega-interfaces within the decade. It's not enough to see the big picture - you have to see the picture big.

How have Dr. Shinawatra's much-publicised difficulties in Thailand affected the team?

When we launched Man City 2.0 in Q3, we outlined in our vision statement the central-entitying of our aim-points and a holistic synergising of our core values. We aimed to be to a goal-oriented paradigm KWMer, and our failure to rightsize our outflow bloatation has snowballed into an fiscal artery blockage challenge. And you know how it goes: when the board boom, they shake, shake, shake the dressing room.

You'll know, of course, that much criticism has been levelled your way, and that you have been compared unfavourably to your predecessors. What do you have to say in response?

Some have said I can't manage, but those people are operating within a narrow strategic bandwith. It's not about managing anymore - it's about managementing, and I am in the arrowhead of modern managementing. It's all about making bold polidisciplinary responsibility movements. It's about getting your workers to realise that the shortest path between T and Z is not through Y - it's through U.

In other words, a little less thinking outside the box and a little more shooting inside the box, eh?

Are you taking the piss?



Fredorrarci 24/8/08 2:35 PM  

"...the shortest point between W and Z is not through Y - it's through U..."

The author suffered an alphabet recite dysfunction. Changes will be made in order to maintain a meldoious co-workering platform in future. As our motto goes: Alteration, not altercation.

A small number of other semantic adjusts will also be made. The management apologises for any inconvenienting that may have been generated, and would like to remind customers that this post went up at FIVE IN THE BLOODY MORNING while staying up to watch the basketball (the management fell asleep and missed the first half).

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